So, America loves made up holidays. We have a made up holiday for everything. Oh, you’ve still managed to not get dumped? Here, have some candy, happy Valentine’s Day babe. Hey, this old white guy did something cool? Happy Presidents day! Hey you like trees? Happy Arbor day! (What the f*ck is arbor day, anyway? Does anyone actually know what that is?)
Coming upon us is one of the more acceptable of the made-up, bullshit holidays: Mother’s Day. Here at Literally, Darling, we appreciate the woman who hauled your fat ass in her womb for nine months, went through back-breaking labor for, as she tells it, years on end to bring you into this hell-hole we call a world, and then spent the first 18 years of your life wiping your ass, cleaning up your f*ck-ups, and making sure you didn’t die.
So for god’s sake, get the woman a present that doesn’t blow, doesn’t say “Mom’s have feelings too” and treats her as the kick-ass woman she has to be for putting up with you for your whole life. And we know that you’ve googled present ideas, and in case you didn’t notice, mother’s day gift guides kind of blow. So here’s a simple gift guide to things moms like (no, scratch that, here’s a gift guide to things people like, because moms are people too, dammit). And it doesn’t suck.
Take your mom to brunch.
Mom’s love brunch. Pick out a cute little brunch place that isn’t the Country Corral Buffet or IHop, reserve a damn table, and for god’s sake, put on actual shoes and make your father wear a button down shirt and you treat that woman to the best egg’s benedict she’s ever had.
Take a family picture.
You heard me. Someone in the family always has a nice camera. If not, steal one. Your weird bachelor uncle probably has one. The real shoes and button down shirt rule applies here too. Round up your family- minus your mom, of course. That would ruin the surprise. Throw the dogs or cats or reptiles or whatever you have in there too for good measure. Then print that baby off at Kinkos, stick it in a frame, and DONE. Moms love pictures.
DON’T MAKE HER MOVE YOU OUT OF YOUR DORM.
Pretty self explanatory.
Spend time with her (or not, if she hates you).
You would think that this would go without needed to be said, but you’d be surprised. Rent that really horrible movie about the dog that she loves, and watch it with her. Does she want to go look at flowers all day at some god awful boring botanical garden? TAKE HER. Does she want you to drive her to a spa and leave her? Then you knock yourself out and you drop that woman off, and if she asks, you were waiting in the parking lot for her.
Get that woman a flower of the month subscription.
Don’t come home with one measly bouquet, and then forget about her the next 11 months out of the year. Fork up the cash, you miser. Added bonus: YOU GET BROWNIE POINTS ALL YEAR LONG. Forgot to call home? She won’t care when she gets some lovely f*cking chrysanthemums delivered to her in March.
Get her cookies (make sure she’s not diabetic).
Or brownies. Or like a cheesecake or whatever it is your mom likes. But don’t make them yourself (unless you’re a pro baker, which, I’ve sadly come to realize over the years, few of us are.) Do your mom a favor and let someone actually skilled at this shit make those delicious baked goods. Go to a bakery, or online at places like Tookies, or SugarFlourLove.
Or, if you’re really lazy, check out this sweet cheat sheet we compiled with some ideas that we’d get for our moms. Our moms are f*cking awesome, so the gifts have to be too.
Flower Vase: $25.00
To go with that flower of the month subscription you’re getting her. Right?
Monogrammed Mug: $8.00
So you can bring her coffee to her in bed in a nice new mug.
Apron: $35.00
Because moms like to look good when they’re slaving to make dinner for you.
Hammock: $98.00
Get your mom a hammock so she can kick back and feel good. And then you can promptly steal it back, because that f*cker is awesome and you just dropped a load of cash on it.
Blanket: $50.00
Get your mom a blanket. And not any old dumb, shitty blanket. Like, a nice one, that’s going to keep her all warm and shit. I’m talking about the type that’s going to be put in a trunk one day and then pulled out for your kids. We are talking about a major league blanket, not one of those dumb felt blankets you buy at Michael’s and pretend that you made by hand, when you actually just tied some knots and shit.
Get that woman a massage. Moms f*cking love massages, and they deserve them, after they chase after you all day and shit. Do you have any idea how tense you can get when you’re constantly nagging people to do their shit? Like I said, moms love massages.
And for you rich bastards, just go buy the woman an Ipad or something nice like that.
And don’t forget to wish your mom a happy f*cking mother’s day from all of us here at Literally, Darling!
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It’s not easy to so delicately straddle that line between profane and benevolent.
Kudos for writing the first decent Mother’s Day buying guide, which coincidently isn’t so decent.
Awesome and so true! How I even found this blog is a miracle but now I want to subscribe because you, my friend who doesn’t know it yet, speak what I think.