Nine Unsavory and Not at all Acceptable Ways to Make And Save Money

So all of us (here’s looking at you, college kids) have been desperate for money. Some of us have tried those weird tips we find on the internet to save money (let’s be real people, watering down your laundry detergent isn’t going to save you much money, and it’ll just make your clothes less clean). Here are some guaranteed ways to help you save or make money (not that I’ve tried any of them…). They’re all legal (I think?). The upside is that these will work. The downside is that they’ll kind of make you a horrible person.

1. Cheating the old: For those of us who are still lucky enough to receive 25 bucks in the mail from our elderly relatives for Christmas or birthdays. Take the money, and then pretend that you never received it in the mail. 9/10 times the relative will resend the money, and then hey look! You’ve got 50 bucks. Only side effect is that you can only pull this once, and said relative will then most likely go on rants about the declining state of today’s mail system.
2. Every time feels like the first time: A lot of stores and companies will give you a discount as a first time customer. You can cash in and save on this by making sure you give a fake name or fake email address each time you shop. Downside, you can’t do it too often, or they catch on. Upside, I know for a fact this works at places like Massage Envy. Not that I’ve ever done that.
3. Start an online shop: Be an entrepreneur! Got goods or a service you can offer (other than prostitution or stripping)? Set up an account on a place like Etsy or Fiverr. You can sell useless services. Just a word of advice, becoming an online psychic or “past lives interpreter” is an easy way to make five bucks.
4. Your sibling has a piggy bank, right? Cons: you can do it once. Pros: it’s such a horrible thing to do that most people won’t blame you, and for bonus points you can actually break the bank and blame it on the dog.
5. Surf the lost and found. Keep an eye on the lost and found. If something you’re eying has been there for a while, it’s not really stealing, because lets be real, the owner isn’t coming for it. BAM. New sweatshirt. Bonus points if you can pick up textbooks there, because you can hoard those and sell them.
6. Help your younger sibling start up a lemonade stand. Offer to split the profits. Take advantage of the fact that they can’t do math.
7. Steal toilet paper from public restrooms. This is easier for women to accomplish, due to purses. But shit man, toilet paper is expensive. (This can also work for sugar packets, salt, etc.)
8. Free samples. Free samples are the best. You can get a free lunch that way. Got a date? Go to a Costco or something and do the free samples. Pretend that it’s a super quirky date and you’re in an indie flick.
9. Marry for money. Find yourself a nice, marketable skill, like being a pro-sandwich maker, or looking really pretty. Find a wealthy spouse. Make them like it. Then make them put a ring on it.