“Breaking Bad” Rehab: How to Get Over Your Addiction

This post contains no spoilers.

It’s not easy having a life. (We could all just stop there, couldn’t we?) But a real life (with obligations) AND a life with your favorite TV shows? Nearly impossible. Thank god for downloads and recording devices. This post is safe for all of you who haven’t quite made it to the finale. (But really, judging you, because priorities.) For those of you who are so angry it’s over that you’re about to throw a perfectly good pizza on the rooftop, follow on to rehab.

“Breaking Bad” Rehab

The incomplete guide to your addiction recovery

You still with me? Not-so-silently weeping? Remember, addiction recovery is about sticking together. First, we need to go over what we’ve learned:

MORAL LESSONS FROM A SHOW ABOUT COOKING METH AND MURDER

1. Family is really important.

Sometimes we forget what our parents have done just for us to have NICE THINGS. But Walt knows it’s so much deeper than that. There’s nothing Walt won’t do in the name of family. And with that, we know that family should stick together… until there’s too much murder. Murder within the family is just not OK.

2. Leave a legacy.

Walt also revealed how important it is to leave something of worth behind. Yeah, so he in particular was hoping to leave behind a meth empire without his entire family knowing, but also a fat pile of money (for the family, of course). This had nothing to do with ego or greed, right? Let’s use this as an opportunity to strive to leave something behind that doesn’t destroy the world (meth) or your family (meth and murder).

3. Be a role model.

Remember when Jesse started caring about chemistry again because of Walt stepping in as his fatherly-teacherly-figure? Remember all the times Walt saved Jesse’s ass? Remember how Walt always reminds us of all the times he has saved Jesse’s ass? Yeah, be a role model. (But constantly reminding someone of what you’ve done for them gets a little old. Don’t do that.)

4. Never stop learning.

5. Be honest.

Being successful, protecting your family, building a [non]drug empire, using your brain, ALL while serving as a mentor is all GREAT stuff. But what happens when you’re repeatedly dishonest? You end up eating pancakes alone. Eating pancakes alone is kind of sad… especially on your birthday.

INCORPORATE HEISENBERG LANGUAGE INTO YOUR EVERYDAY VERNACULAR:

“I am the one who knocks.” (Creepy, yet a nonspecific, mild threat)
“Tread lightly.” (Creepy, specific, and definitely threatening)
“Say my name.” (Can be applied in both sexual and nonsexual situations. It’s the new not-so-humble brag.)

“It’s not over until I say it’s over.” (Can be applied to the work day, though not advised. Suggestions: birthdays, non-competitive sports, parties, puppy play dates, and naps.)
“Stay out of my territory.” (This one’s pretty self-explanatory.)