Tinder: You’re Doing It Wrong

I recently joined Tinder out of morbid curiosity, FOMO, and crushing singleness. If for some reason you are unfamiliar with Tinder, it is a dating app that is basically a modern Hot or Not showing other people with the app within a certain mile radius. You can see their pictures and a 500-character description, then swipe right to like or left for NOPE. If you both like each other, you are able to chat and do your mating dance of choice. For my profile, I wrote, “Really hoping this doesn’t ruin my already tenuous faith in humanity.” Well, darlings, I am sad to say, I have seen terrible things. No penises yet, but things people who are trying to get a date should not be doing. I started taking screenshots when I got the idea for this article and two days later I had over fifty examples of guys not in touch with what women want to see. In the spirit of Tinder, let’s judge them together, shall we?

1) DO NOT HAVE DEAD ANIMALS IN YOUR PROFILE.

Especially if I have to look it up to make sure it’s not endangered and ESPECIALLY if it’s bloody. I don’t know if I am just encountering this because I am in Texas, but there are far too many guys who think this is somehow attractive. Unless you find a girl who thinks the end of civilization is coming and is looking for a man to be able to hunt and gather, I don’t think dead bloody animals will help you find your match.

I checked—not endangered, but still not OK.

Nothing says HOT like dead, bloody fish.

2) Have pictures where I can actually see what you look like.

Look, Tinder is a superficial app. It is what it is. But moreover, it’s a dating app, where I need to know if I’m attracted to you or not. That means check your skiing pictures and pictures with sunglasses on (if you are wearing sunglasses in all of your pictures, I will assume you are a demon trying to hide your blood-red eyes). Cool pictures are cool, but you better have one where I can see your face, body, and a marker to approximate your height. And if I can’t tell what you look like, I’m not going to swipe right.

Oh good, I don’t know what you look like and you seem fun to hang out with.

3) Girls in your picture do not make you more attractive.

I know guys who try to have Facebook pictures with hot girls to look impressive. While that may work for Facebook and crazy people, it does not generally work for Tinder. I don’t care if the girl kissing your cheek is your best friend, it’s setting the stage for you to either look like a pathetic loser who paid the girls to be there, someone who isn’t over their ex, or a jerk who is using Tinder while dating someone.

4) Be careful of pictures with children.

If you are in a picture with a child, kindly explain its relation to you. Also please do not post pictures of what you looked like as a child. I can’t imagine anyone wants to know that at this point, unless they’re really intent on having kids immediately and want to be able to picture how your genes would intertwine. Plus, I just feel weird swiping right on a kid.

5) Do not post passive-aggressive, overly weird, or trite “About Me” sections.

If you have “I like turtles” “Looking for my Tinderella” “Just ask” or “KCCO” you are not original (apparently KCCO = keep calm and chive on). However, do not do what these guys are doing and post TMI—I prefer to find out about the skeletons in your closet the old-fashioned way (after the third date, with the aid of alcohol), thankyouverymuch.

Your description shouldn't make me sad. — Your description shouldn’t make me sad.

I wanted to bring you a pair of shoes on our first date. — This is useful information, because I wanted to bring you a pair of shoes and custom trousers on our first date.

Glad you're not bitter. — Glad you’re not bitter.

6) Under no circumstances should a toilet be visible in your picture.

I would avoid bathroom pictures in general.

This guy was 100 percent my friend’s type, but she said, “Why is he in the bathroom with a chick?”

7) Tacky shirtless pictures.

I very much enjoy looking at these, but if they are blatantly self-serving you will probably get a nopestamp.

You know your coworkers are on here? — You know your coworkers are probably on here, right?

8) Do not be these guys:

Look, I am a weirdo and I make every effort to respect other weirdoes, because, live and let live, man. But you are on Tinder which is a pretty generic and, again, overall superficial app. I doubt you are going to find what you are looking for here. Maybe try a specialty site?

Above all, do not look like you are having an orgasm to the American flag with a gun to your head: