Disclaimer: This is my opinion, from my experience only. I have a hunch that the girls that go on sugardaddy.com are, maybe, gold diggers and the men who offer to pay them are, possibly, creepy.
First off, I am not some strange advocate for dating an older man. In fact, I only support dating someone who makes you happy and treats you right. To me, the rest really doesn’t matter. That said, since the person in my life that makes me happy is a man older than me, I think maybe I should clear a few things up.
Misconception #1—I am a gold digger.
Wrong. I am a college-educated woman who owns her own home and holds a prominent position in a successful company. I work hard and I am good with my money. My boyfriend is extremely smart with his money and doesn’t shower me with diamonds because it is Tuesday nor do I come home to a BMW with a bow on it for my birthday. We live in the real world, we save money, we talk about how we should invest our money and we talk about purchases before we buy. That said, my boyfriend is very Southern and old-fashioned in his belief that a man should pay for his girl. He pays for our dates and nights out and that is it. If I want a new dress, a massage, or my nails done, I reach into my purse and pay for it myself, and I always will. I am not in this relationship, and enduring the hard challenges we face being in a complicated relationship, for gifts or money.
Misconception #2—He is a pervert.
I will let you all in on a little secret. I was the one who asked my boyfriend out on a date. He said no. Quite the blow to my nonexistent ego. I thought he was joking, but he wasn’t. He literally said no. He told me that he believed younger women have nothing to offer in a relationship and he often gave his friends shit for even talking to younger women. In fact, I later learned that he actually liked women a little older than him (oh the irony). I never thought the relationship would go anywhere but I was single, I found him exciting and I thought it would be a little crazy, harmless fun. I told him to meet me for one drink and if he thought I was an airhead, then fine. He had never dated a younger woman and he didn’t prowl the bars trying to find one. He hates my age yet loves my mind; I came out of nowhere and rocked our own misconceptions about relationships with age differences. That first date was surreal, I can honestly say that I never left that date. Four years later I think I am still on it and it is the most beautiful, unexpected experience.
Misconception #3—I don’t think about the future.
All I do is think about the future! I am a goal-orientated realist. I am constantly thinking about the future and I have a very hard time living in the present, it is a problem I work every day to overcome. I have spent hours, days even, talking about the future, something my realist boyfriend also finds very important to discuss. We had all of the truly hard conversations immediately after we realized our connection was something special. We had the kids talk, the marriage talk, the talk about the impact we have on our families, the money talk, the 10-year plan talk, the 20- and 30- year plan talk, the in sickness and in health talk, the worst case scenario talk. I am telling you darlings, we have had every single talk. And we haven’t agreed on everything, so we have continued to talk, compromise and listen to each other. It has been hard work to figure out these things, but considering our relationship has a few more challenges than the average same-age relationship does, we have been responsible and real about everything we could face in the coming years.
Misconception #4—I have daddy issues.
I have a wonderful father and I had a very normal upbringing. There was no abuse in my home, my parents loved me and they are still together and married. My boyfriend and my father might be from the same generation but they are completely different men and I did not start dating my boyfriend to fill some weird void, because I don’t have a void. Age just does not matter to me. I am a horrible judge of age and when I found out how old my boyfriend was (obviously, before he was actually my boyfriend), I was shocked. After talking to him, everything about him just exudes energy and zest. I thought he was much younger than he was and when I found out he wasn’t, I didn’t care. He was still funny, handsome, charming and kind. His age didn’t change who he was so why would I let it change my perception of him?
Misconception #5—We have nothing in common
Without listing all of the millions of things I have in common with this man, I would like to explain why we are so similar, yet somehow born so far apart. There is no comment I get more often than, “Rachel, you have such an old soul.” Since childhood I’ve gotten that comment constantly. It is a running joke around my friends and family that I am a 70-year-old woman stuck in a 25-year-old’s body, and I completely agree. That said, my boyfriend is the true definition of, “You’re only as old as feel.” His energy levels are high, his mind is always going 100 miles per hour, he can hold a conversation with anyone, he is in phenomenal shape, and he is full of life. I am usually the one asking if we can please go to bed at 8pm on weekdays so I can read for an hour and be asleep by 9pm, to which he responds, “Stop acting like you’re 100 babe, we are not going to lay in bed when it is still light out.” In some strange way, we meet in the middle.
Misconception #6—If I stay with him, he will get old and sick and I will be stuck taking care of him for years.
This is by far, the strangest comment I get. What the hell is wrong with this world? Who in their right mind would break up with someone they love because one day, they might get sick? Well, not me. You never know what will happen from one day to the next, I am sure we all know someone who is young and has battled something huge, like cancer. We also probably know 80-year-olds that could stay out on the dance floor longer than us. The only love I know, is unconditional. My love is not conditional on my loved one never getting sick and I am shocked when I read stories of men returning from war, missing limbs, only to be served in the hospital with divorce papers from a wife who just couldn’t bear it. Or women who are diagnosed with cancer and their husbands separate from them because they would rather run than face the disease with their wives. I pray that in this life, I have found a man who will stick by me during times of sickness and I can promise you, he has found a partner who would be honored to hold his hand during any trying times in his life.
Misconception #7—I don’t have someone to grow old with.
Ok, this one is true, but I would like to explain how I feel about this comment. My boyfriend has always struggled with feeling as though, in this relationship, he is the only winner. He could not be more wrong. Whatever time this life allows me to be by his side is the greatest gift. I would never, ever, take that for granted because in the end I might be left alone and broken. The pain of knowing that because he is older, he could possibly die decades before I do is nothing compared to the joy of spending my tomorrows with him. I gladly give up growing old with someone else for the time I get with him. If I am blessed enough to get him, every day, for the next 10, 20 or 30 years, it is worth the pain, it is worth being alone. And if I had to give up growing old with someone every day, over and over again, I would do it without hesitation because he will always be worth the pain.
My relationship is unconventional, I get it. For some reason, in society, we are encouraged to embrace all types of love, no matter what it looks like, yet for an adult woman to date an older man is still taboo. Why is that? Hopefully, by sharing my own experiences with you, you might think twice about judging any relationship that you find unconventional, because it just might be perfect in its imperfect appearance.
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You are so brave, Rachel. You and your boyfriend are truly inspiring.
Thank you for this article! I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 45, and I am the happiest I have ever been. My dads side of the family wasn’t too fond the idea but your article helped me open up to everyone about how much I love my boyfriend. I really relate to you on everything you say and thank you so much for the inspiration!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I am so glad that my article was able to help you in any way and remind you that you are not alone, I wish you and yours all the best. Cheers darling!
Thank you so much for this article! It was what I was looking for. Very informative.
This was beautiful to read. I am currently with a man who is 53…I am 25.
I have found myself wondering if there is something really wrong with me. I mean just really really wrong with me. But it doesn’t keep me away, I feel amazing being around him. I wish it made sense to me but doesn’t.
My mind has been in a cluster- this was just so refreshing to read. Thank you.
Hope you and this man are still happy together.
I’m a 36 year old woman embarking on a relationship with a 55 year old man whom I love (note that it has only been a month and a half since we’ve met). He is married with 3 children. And we spent 23 days together and after in a long distance relationship. approx 10,000 miles apart. I have a bf who is 46 years old who does not want to discuss about our communication problems. We talk to each other everyday, twice a day for about 2 minutes each time. Just to say goodnight and good morning.
The 55 year old is active but with a history of cancer.
The 46 year old is a “sofa bear”, but has no serious family illness.
My heart chooses the 55 year old whom I’ve known for less than 2 months (note that we have not gone a day without communications via e-mail and phone for long hours).
My mind chooses the 46 year old whom I’ve dated for 4 years who will be able to give me longer years and stability.
And my main worry is, the 55 year old will die sooner than I do. I can’t help feeling sad and worried. He is also stable.
I have a good job with a bachelors degree, no daddy issues and have my own apartment that I bought myself.
Would value your opinion very much. Thank you.
Hi I am going through a difficult time too! My boyfriend is 15 years older than me. I am 23 he is 38. We have been together for 3 years and my parents do not accept it nor will let me continue my relationship. Basically it’s him or them! To be disowned by my family has got to be one of the worst feelings ever. I can relate with so many people online but nobody in my life as all my family agree with my parents.
Where in the “Book of Life” does it say that you will outlive him..?? if he is in good health, he could very well outlive you… There is no guarantee for any of us… on how long we will be on this earth.. You could get Cancer, have a heart attack, or any number of things that would make your life shorter than his… Enjoy your time together and take care of each other and don’t worry about what other people think… I was married to a wonderful woman for 52 years… would not trade it for anything….. if you have found true love, enjoy it .. and give thanks for being so lucky to have found the one who makes you happy !!
Rachel, I read a few of your articles several months back when I started dating my boyfriend, who is 25 years older. I am 26, he is 52 and we are incredibly happy. I recently stumbled upon your page again and I’m glad I did because it is very comforting. My man and I are both in the medical field and have been blessed with successful careers. We have gone through ups and downs both personally and as a couple. We make up for where the other person is lacking. I love that he makes me a priority, rather than video games and partying like my ex. I too was surprised at my man’s age, but it didn’t matter because I was already all in. I can’t tell you how spot on this article is about misconceptions. I understand that people are going to ask questions and I try to be open, but wow sometimes it can really feel insulting. “For some reason, in society, we are encouraged to embrace all types of love, no matter what it looks like, yet for an adult woman to date an older man is still taboo. Why is that?” YES. I would never EVER ask the equivalent of these types of questions to a gay friend or a friend in an interracial relationship. Most decent people wouldn’t so why it seems acceptable, I will never understand.