My Pinkie Promises

It’s actually pretty silly when you think about it: a pinkie promise? It goes hand-in-hand with the “cross my heart and hope to die.” Come on! You know what I’m talking about! The pinkie promise originates from the idea that if the promise is broken, the promise breaker would have to cut off their pinkie. When I was a kid, this was seen as THE unbreakable oathyou knew your friendship was over if you broke a promise that ended with “I pinkie promise” or “Cross my heart and hope to die.” To this 6-year-old, freckle-faced kid, that was a huge deal, and I actually thought I would die if I broke a pinkie promise.

Although I am still a freckle-face, I am definitely no longer the naïve six-year-old that thought life would end if a promise was broken. However, I am a 20-something, independent, feisty redhead that absolutely keeps her promises and means everything that comes out of her unfiltered mouth. My inner child secretly loves reverting back to the carefree times where pinkie promises were a “thing,” you were always given a lollipop after your visit to the pediatrician’s office, and your biggest problem was whether or not you should sneak a doughnut for breakfast while you’re watching cartoons. We may be adults now but nothing is stopping us from having fun, being silly, and keeping our childhood alive. At the same time, life isn’t so simple anymore and there are a few things I need to make sure you know. Here are my pinkie promises to you:

I will fight through my bad days. My struggles are not secrets. I am a handful. I have anxiety attacks and I have panic attacks. ADHD and OCD are not strangers in my life. I have been in the psych ward at the hospital, and I am on anti-depressants. Food is scary. There will be some days where I just can’t handle anything. It’s not that I don’t want to; it’s that I actually can’t. I can’t get out of bed. I can’t snap out of my bad mood. I can’t stop myself from crying. These bad days are like waves: I just have to ride them out and hope for a better tomorrow. It’s not your fault; it never will be your fault. No matter how bad my day is, I will fight as much as I breathe. I will fight for recovery, for happiness, for my life, and for your life. I will fight for us. My pinkie promises.

I will hold your hand when we argue. We won’t always see eye-to-eye and I’m ok with that. I want you to have your own views, your own dreams, and your own thoughts. I want you to be an individual. Arguments are never a bad thing and I will always hear you out. Anger is one of my strongest emotions and we both know that I’m a force of nature when I get angry. Our arguments are never allowed to start unless we’re holding hands. Your touch calms me down, it’s soothing. It’s harder to stay angry during an argument if there is physical contact. Working through issues is a strengthening exercise. I will always listen to your point of view and your side of the story before I ever come to a decision. My pinkie promises that as my anger dissolves, a resolution is sure to arise.

I will learn to give up control. We aren’t kidding anyone. Everyone under the sun knows about my OCD and my obsession to control every little aspect of my life. If it’s not scheduled, it can’t happen. Everything has a place and everything happens in a specific order. You’re teaching me that I don’t have to control everything; that it’s not the end of the world if things don’t go as planned. You’ve shown me that my trust is perfectly placed in you and as long as I trust you I can relinquish my control; I can let you take the lead. It may take a lot of practice, but my pinkie promises that I will learn to give up obsessively controlling every. little. thing. in. my. life.

I will appreciate you. The way you make my coffee is perfect. The notes you hide in my lunchbox make me smile. You don’t complain when I need help moving furniture. You give the best hugs, you provide the best discussions, and you know when the “I’m proud of you” text is just what I need. I will appreciate that you help me clean the apartment, even when I say you don’t have to. You know how much I struggle in the mornings and you call to make sure I’m not late to work. Through all of the elaborate plans and all of the simple gestures, my pinkie promises to never take you for granted.

It’s you. You are in the Air Force. You essentially belong to the United States Government and I know that you will not always be home. Deployments will happen and drills will take you away. Sometimes the distance may be difficult, but I am strong enough. I will be OK; I can handle it. You accept me for who I am; my flaws and my imperfections don’t scare or upset you. You make me strive to be the best version of myself. I will be your cheerleader, your support system, and your best friend. I will always be patiently waiting for you to come back home. My pinkie promises that no matter how many miles are between us, I still only want you.

When I say “my pinkie promises,” let’s pretend we’re kids again. While it may seem ridiculous at first, I want to go back and make that silly little phrase the unbreakable oath it used to be. Because when my pinkie promises something, you’ll know it’s my end-all-be-all promise.

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