By a Literally, Darling author who does not want to explain to her parents/future employers.
Sex is like ice cream. It’s great, and experimenting with all the different flavors is fun, but it’s not necessarily something you just go having willy-nilly because you can probably only handle so much without getting sick. I have my fair share of opportunities for sex on the dating scene, and I recently got to thinking exactly what characteristics separated the “almost-but-not-quites” from those granted VIP (or PIV?) entry. Being a millennial, I decided the most logical course of action would be to make a list.
First off, everyone is different, so while this is my list, I’m not trying to say this is the “right” list. Let’s also assume that things have been going well enough for us to get into the bedroom. (There are many qualities and combinations of qualities that can grant bedroom access, ranging from “can hold intelligent conversation” to “has reasonable ambition beyond sitting on own ass” to “so smoking hot holy shit clothes off now.”) Assuming that attraction has been established, here’s what will earn you points to get the whole shebang:
1) Caring about whether or not I get off
Number one most important thing. We’ve all been there: After extensive talent and effort on your part, the other person rolls over and you lie there, incredulous and smoldering, until they turn and go, “Oh, did you want something too?” Yes, maybe women are a little challenging to get off, but I’d like for you to at least fucking TRY. If you’re selfish with giving orgasms, you’re probably selfish with sex (as in, will only do what gets YOU off), and that sounds like fun for one person who is not me. In the sage and chivalrous words of Nicki Minaj, “Real niggas let real bitches cum first.”
2) Going down on me
Women are conditioned from a young age to think that their vaginas are gross. It took me a long time to be comfortable with someone putting their face down there, but once it happened, there was NO going back (I know a lot of women who still do not like oral, and I wish, à la SATC, I could loan you a true master to try). I’m a big believer in reciprocity, so unless you want a lame-ass handy, get your tongue workout on. Bonus points to anyone who genuinely loves it and has fun/gets turned on trying to get me off. I can’t thank you enough for helping me reverse years of brainwashing to see that, actually, vaginas are pretty awesome.
3) Taking no for an answer
This is not the good kind of pushing. I love a guy who takes charge, but I will tell you my wishes regarding sex before things get hot and heavy, and I will be the one to let you know if something changes. I have to tell far too many guys every five minutes, “No, I still do not want to have sex.” (Also—you are not owed sex. No one likes it if you say “pleeeeaaassee” or “come on!”) The sexiest thing a man can do is respect my decisions and the sexiest number of times to ask about sex is once (and if I do breathily reverse my decision mid-act, an “Are you sure?” definitely gets you some points).
4) Paying attention to my body other than boobs and vagina
Nothing is worse than the guy that goes straight for the panties without paying attention to any other part of my body. Did you know we have things like necks, backs, shoulders, legs that also like to be kissed/licked/touched? It doesn’t have to be all slow and romantic—grabbing me feels good! When someone makes me feel like my body is being worshipped and desired, it makes me feel sexy, and that translates into higher probability of sexytime for you.
Even if the making out was promising, sometimes it is just not there, and it is a huge disappointment. It’s no one’s fault, but there’s only so much I can teach.
I hate to say it, but yes, your equipment does matter. I am definitely a subscriber to the “motion in the ocean” belief, but, as I expect you to love my body, I want to love yours. And if I am weirded out by your penis, I do not want it inside of me. (Side note: I don’t understand why some people are averse to uncircumcised penises. They are awesome!)
Also filed under equipment: Trying to pull a “just the tip” without a condom. Do you try that shit with everyone you sleep with? Because skin-to-skin contact still spreads HPV and herpes. Condoms all day, errday, people. My STD results are clean and I’d like to keep it that way, thanks!
7) Mutual friends (who can vouch that you’re not a serial killer)
I am much more likely to feel comfortable and safe with someone my friends can vouch for than a random person from a bar or Tinder (I mean, I suppose it depends on the friend, but in general). I have a hard time explaining the logic behind this, except that perhaps I’ll be able to enlist the friend to track you down if I accidentally get pregnant or something.
8) Not shaming me for past sexual decisions
I know this isn’t exactly a part of foreplay, but it is definitely something that creeps into my mind around deed time. I have dated a lot of people. Some guys get freaked out by this, or by the people I’ve dated (if you think me sleeping with a black/Asian/Indian guy is strange in some way, surprise! You’re racist!). Comments indicating discomfort make me feel self-conscious and unsexy. I am with you now, and there is nothing I can do about my past (which, by the way, I am actually pretty okay with). On the other hand, if I don’t have to change “ex” to “friend” in all of my stories to avoid weirding you out, and indicate you that you like ALL of me and my history = megasexypoints.
9) Timing with my own shit
You know what, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Maybe it’ll be a go because I’m about to start my period and don’t want to wait another week. Maybe I’m super turned on and in a “fuck it” kinda mood (pun intended). It’s also totally within my rights to say no at any point. Maybe I’ll call it off because I feel extra self-conscious about my number for whatever reason. Maybe I just don’t want to. Some points are just left to random chance and mood swings because life is exciting that way!
In general, what does it for me is feeling comfortable, respected, and of course, turned on—and it’s not high-maintenance to expect these things. Sex should be fun and comfortable for both parties. I will absolutely treat you the way I want to be treated—with desire and respect—and do everything I can do ensure the experience is enjoyable for both of us.
What earns someone sex points from you? Let us know in the comments (you can be anonymous too!) or for the bold, tweet us @litdarling!
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