Dear Voters: Stop Sending Garbage Humans To Congress

Dear United States Voter,

Greetings from our nation’s glorious capital! I write to you today on behalf of not just the District of Columbia, but on behalf of the United States at large. You see, midterm elections are coming up on Nov. 4, and I think it’s important we have a heart-to-heart before that day rolls around. There’s something critical I have to ask of you, something crucial to the future of our country.

America, please stop sending garbage humans to Congress.

It’s no secret that Congress is populated by reptilian psuedo-people and poorly disguised sacks of potatoes. I mean, why else would they be so unable to get anything—literally, anything—done? The 113th Congress—our current Congress—has done so little that it’s been dubbed the “Do-Nothing” Congress, a title formerly held by the 80th Congress. When it comes to simultaneously passing zero bills of importance and pounding their chests, the 113th Congress really knocked it out of the ballpark. Avoiding real work and leaving on time for vacation is really all these people can accomplish. (Except Elizabeth Warren. She a bad bitch and she ain’t here to make friends.)

But you already know this. I know that you know this because everyone hates Congress. A CNN poll last month had their approval rating at 14 percent, which honestly seems a little generous given their track record. Congress is the butt of all the jokes, everyone is always ready to gripe about them, and it’s a foregone conclusion that if something good is in the works Congress will likely destroy it by simply not functioning. Congress has managed to paralyze the country, through filibusters and lack of bipartisan efforts, and they are getting paid damn good money to do so.

I have to be honest with you, Voter, because I’m not just writing out of concern for our nation as a whole. I have selfish reasons for wanting you to vote out the rats in suits currently lurking around Capitol Hill. Living in the District means not only do I have to deal with the dark clouds that gather over Congress whenever Boehner and Pelosi raise their gavels high and call upon the dark forces of evil to ward off real work. We residents of D.C. don’t have a vote in Congress, we just have a representative who makes humble requests of mercy and then gets totally ignored. D.C. and Guam have about the same level of influence. And as a federal jurisdiction, Congress controls our budget, using our policy to gain points with their constituencies. They get it both ways: They live in our gorgeous city, but get to go home and rail against us.

America, it’s time to stop this nonsense. It’s a bipartisan issue, people. It’s time everyone on both sides of the aisle get serious about vetting the people being sent to Congress. We can do better than we have in the past. We can have representation that actually represents the best of us, not the laziest and most stubborn. Do we want our government to be a laughingstock, or do we want them to govern? It’s easy to forget, but we hold the power. Well, you hold the power. I don’t. I’m a D.C. voter.

So, Voter, when you go to the polls on Nov. 4 (and you better go to the polls on Nov. 4), think of the United States you want to live in. Think about D.C., the fate of which is in your hands (in a sense). Vote from a place of admiration, not reactionary zeal or casual bandwagoning. We’re better than the 113th Congress. We have to do better.

Happy voting,



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