Twenty-Something Tuesday
The holidays are a magical time, full of peace, good will, and gratitude—and kitchen catastrophes, family feuds, and financial woes—all in the name of tradition. It seems like no one these days can escape some holiday-related disaster between Halloween and New Year’s, even if one staunchly refuses to participate in any celebrations. We simply can’t escape, so we might as well laugh at other people’s holiday misfortunes. Here are some of LD’s worst (best?) holiday horror stories.
1. Last year at Christmas my family came to my house for dinner, my first year to host the holiday meal. After eating I gave my grandparents a tour of my townhouse and as my grandma was coming down the stairs she slipped and fell at the top of the stairwell and wasn’t able to move. As well all just looked at her, not knowing what to do, my boyfriend comes running up the stairs, picks her up and carries her down the stairs and to the couch, Clark Kent style. Then for the next hour I got a lecture from my grandpa about my poor choice in carpet and how when I have guest over I need to put mats down so they don’t slip and hurt themselves. After that I wanted to throw myself down the stairs. I didn’t even pick out the carpet! It came with the house. – Rachel
2. One year at a holiday party my friend gave me a basket full of house warming gifts like kitchen towels and wine. She set the basket on the table and my mom, being the most nosy person in the world, saw a little bear in the basket. Well to my horror, as she pulls the bear out of the basket, we see it has a huge erect penis. A gag gift that my friend thought was hilarious and clearly was not met for my mother. The horror on her face, followed by the embarrassment that she was holding a little teddy bear with a huge pecker, was priceless. We bring up “penis bear” every year during the holidays and laugh…hard. – Rachel
3. When cooking Friendsgiving dinner for the first time, my friend and I (in charge of the turkey) realized the oven was on the wrong setting (broil instead of bake), so it was raw on the bottom but cooked on top. We had people coming over in an hour. Luckily, turkeys do not take too long to cook and my friends are never on time! – Erin
4. This year, one of my parents’ cats had been missing for a few hours and my mom went into panic mode. Thanksgiving dinner was significantly less joyful with her getting up to check the door every 10 minutes and making comments like, “He would be home if he were physically able. He must be dead.” The asshole cat turned up two days later, totally fine, with no explanation. – Erin
5. One Thanksgiving there was a freak ice storm in Texas and all our power went out. Because who needs things like ovens on Thanksgiving? Luckily our turkey was done and we had gas burners, but the heat was out and our house was not well-insulated. Still, it ended up being pretty great—our family friends came over to scavenge and the power came back on before we all froze to death, just in time to watch a movie together. – Erin
6. While hosting a Friendsgiving dinner with one of my best friends during my senior year of college I had quite a bit to drink. We’d invited about twenty people expecting maybe five to show up, but everyone came. Which was awesome! BUT, by the time we were all eating, I was pretty sloshed and managed to drop an entire plate of food in my lap. We’re talking a heaping plate full of mashed potatoes and gravy. My solution: borrow a shirt from my friend—a large dude—wrap a belt around the ensemble and call it an outfit. – Liz
7. Thanksgivings growing up were always in the Outer Banks of North Carolina with my family and filled with friends, dogs, random strangers off the beach, and their dogs. Mom would cook all week long in the build-up and somehow no matter how many people showed up there’d always be enough food—but due to the ever-changing guest list, there would always be as much or more booze than food. By the time the meal was over, the adults would be hammered, so of course every year that was when the annual beach bonfire and fireworks would commence. There’s nothing like a stress-free evening as a kid as digging and building a bonfire Guy Fox style and trying to keep strange kids and blind-drunk adults from lighting themselves on fire, especially when handling firework mortars. The whole event would take on a Dionysian feel and by midnight, the kids would be done. So we’d all leave the parents on the beach to revel, go back to the beach house, crawl in the biggest bed, sandy feet and dogs alike, put on FX’s “X-Files” marathon and pray the parents lived ’til morning. – Katie
Hahahaha! Katie’s story reminded me of a Fourth of July at a friend’s house when I was probably 12 or 13. My friend’s dad liked to party and he would get trashed at these things (though my friend insisted he was not drunk, he was just having a good time) and he would put on an awesome fireworks show. During this fireworks show, someone set off some fireworks in the wrong direction (aka at ground level instead of sky level) so while fireworks exploded over the field, you could see the silhouettes of three drunk men scampering in all directions to avoid serious injury.