The Mentality Of Someone Who Has Never Fallen In Love

This is the mentality of someone who has never been in love before.

You see couples and you think to yourself how nice it must be to have someone there. But when asked to put yourself in their shoes, you can’t see it. You can’t imagine someone knowing you past all the layers you possess that make you everything you are: your wildest dreams and your deepest fears. You can’t envision a relationship with someone that moves beyond the getting dolled up for dinner dates that mutually end with let’s just be friends.

You know that love and being in love are two separate entities. You love your hobbies, your family, and you’re almost certain that your soulmate is something that is actually plural and could be defined as your girlfriends. They’re the only ones who have somewhat fit the mold of being your “other half.” They may not have seen you at your most vulnerable, but they may have had the opportunity at one point or another. In essence, the people who are closest to you in your life right now pretty much play the role of everything you would imagine a partner would fulfill, minus the butterflies, “sparks,” and actual romance part. And as far as you know, that’s what draws the line between love and being in love.

However, not knowing what it feels like to be in love doesn’t mean that you’re lonely. In fact, you most probably have a whole life full of possibility in front of you, which may be the exact reason why you can’t imagine someone else in the equation. Because all it ever took to live your life was having yourself and no one else. It was comfortable. Something you could rely on. At least everything that happened to you would be on your own terms, for the most part. Being by yourself meant no one could walk out because you don’t have anyone in your life who you have allowed to be capable of that.

At 22 years old, I’m at a weird point in my life where my friends are either practically engaged to their partners, if not already, or they’re like me and can’t imagine what it’s like to have someone like that in their life to begin with. It makes me wonder if everyone is destined to fall in love. Maybe due to being raised through chick flicks and romance novels, I assumed too much. Nothing and no one are promised to us, right?

Love is something I think I want, but it’s also something I’m pretty sure I’m scared of. Maybe I’m scared of it because of how easy it is to be scared of the unknown, or maybe I’m too scared to trust anyone with my heart because I don’t know what it’s like for someone else to hold onto it.

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However, I can at least thank my lucky stars that I have friendships with people who give me the whole I-can’t-imagine-my-life-and-what-it-would-be-like-without-you phenomenon.

No, that’s not falling in love. But that’s still something.

So if for a single moment I ever feel sad that I have never been in love with someone, or if I ever question whether it is something I will ever experience, I can at least say I know what love feels like to a certain degree. And if at the end of the day, I can say that by myself I have fallen head over heels for the life that has been bestowed upon me, what’s there to be so sad or lonely about?

View Comments (20)
  • Thank you for your words. I related to most of what you wrote. I randomly googled this thought and I found this post.

    • What is love?

      Attraction without closeness is more like a crush or infatuation. You’re attracted to someone physically but don’t know the person well enough yet to feel the closeness that comes from sharing personal experiences and feelings. Romantic love is when attraction and closeness are combined

  • This post is one coping sandwich straight out of Copenhagen. I don’t know any happy and sucessful people who have never fallen in love.

  • Try imagining a life without making any friends or close friends…
    => Because you lack the confidence and the will to make some, or you think you’ll be better off without anyone in your life… But deep down, you know you’re just lying to yourself.

    Sometimes, you have this heavy feeling in your chest and you just want to let it out but you don’t know how.
    So you just do something that seems so irrational and yet so natural : you yell ! You yell so loud hoping that someone out there would eventually hear you and understand your suffering ! But they won’t…
    => They’ll just brush it off and wonder : “what the hell was that all about?”

    For most people, I’m a weirdo. But for those who know me, I’m an Aspie.

    • ok i actually relate to what you just said , i don’t know why but i always feel so empty like there is something missing and i just can’t fill that hole no matter what i do , i try to fill it with temporary fun but somehow i always end up in the same place all over again , alone , not because there isn’t anyone by my side but more because no matter how much i try trusting is hard, i soon get bored of everything and everyone , despite their desire to know me i do not have any desire to talk about me or about them for that matter , sometimes i just want be alone despite knowing how fucking much it hurts.

      • And here I was assuming that no one would even try to reply to my post because they wouldn’t be able to understand…
        It might sound strange but I’m relieved to find another kindred spirit.

  • I also have never been in love… But I loved your article! You describe how I feel in every single word

  • I’ve been in love several times. It was only afterward that I realized what I had experienced. I was profoundly changed by these experiences. Still, I find it hard to imagine this happening again.

  • I’ve never been in love, and I worry I’ll never find somebody. I’d like to know why some people fall in love and why others don’t .

  • Never been in love, but I really am not searching for it either. I migrated at a young age to a country where I felt different and had to learn the language. doing all of that at a young age taught me not to depend on anyone or not to really be a follower.

  • This article describes exactly how i feel… Never been in love but optimistic for future (not trying though)

  • I feel this way myself, thinking that at almost a 54yr man, that you would think I would’ve found someone by now. It doesn’t look good for me.

  • It is simply unimaginable that any woman could ever want me when there are other men to choose from. I have always been completely invisible to women other than as a friend (and I have many women friends) and cannot change this. I will not pay for intimacy even though knowing I will be forever without is it at times excruciating. No woman wants me so there is no point in trying.

  • I’m so glad I found your article, I have my best friend, she’s my rock, I have other friends with whom I shared almost half of my life.
    Basically, I have never been really interested in any guy, I went on dates, but I got bored easily, like you described. Weirdly enough, I’m perceived as charming, social and “the one who gets it all” in terms of career, everybody says the classic “how is it possible that you don’t have a boyfriend? Everyone must be at your feet”.
    The problem is not finding somebody who wants me, clearly, I’ve had them, it’s not everyone, obviously, but I’ve had guys who were interested in having a relationship with me.
    The problem, if it is a problem, is that I’m not into them, the idea of falling in love itself is desirable, but in the reality of things, I don’t see myself with anyone I know. I can’t seem to find anyone who I could possibly fall in love with.
    Almost all of my friends now have boyfriends, and I feel the pressure rising everyday.
    I feel like I’ll be forever alone, on my own, and it terrifies me.

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