Darlings, summer is almost here and you know what that means: Time to get yourself toned and strong! There is so much to love about the warm summer months. But everyone knows the best part of the summer isn’t beach parties or BBQs. It’s fighting the Patriarchy! Who doesn’t love getting their hands dirty fighting for their rights on a warm July day? That’s right: The Patriarchy won’t defeat itself, and we all need to be as fit as possible to take it down!
Before any workout you have to prep. We can’t have you getting a cramp or pulling a muscle mid-struggle for equality! If anything is tight, use a hot pack to loosen your muscles so you don’t hurt yourself. If anything hurts terribly, stop. Being healthy is the most important.
Speed is vital in order to catch up to the men who have been handed centuries to race ahead of us. They have a head start, but we will catch up and then outrun them.
Running is fun because you can mix up a range of distances, speeds, and rest intervals until you find your favorite mix. Be creative with it. Start off on the slower and shorter side and work your way up. Also, experiment with different ladders.
Running will target almost every muscle (including ones you didn’t know you had because the Patriarchy discourages girls from fully learning about their own bodies). You will build your calves, quads, hamstrings, and glutes. Your arms and shoulders will also get sore—as will your core. Pretty much everything will be sore. Cue the endorphins and the reform.
It’s important that you maintain good form, even when you’re exhausted. Drive the knee up, make sure your foot is flexed, keep your shoulders down, swing your hands from cheek to cheek, but keep your elbow tucked in. And remember, always keep your head up. Look straight ahead with a steady eyes and nothing will stand in your way.
Stadiums are another way to improve your speed. Running up the stairs is good practice for bounding up that corporate ladder on your way to shatter glass ceilings. It will also work on your quads and glutes so you can really propel your way to the top.
It’s important to build up endurance so you can keep on fighting. The Patriarchy has been around for centuries—you’ll need to be able to outlast it.
Swimming, cycling, and running are all great ways to build endurance. It will improve your heart health so you can outlive those who try and impose the Patriarchy. You’ll need to get your heart rate up—and keep it up. Remember, the Patriarchy will try to outlast you, but you can totally outrun it!
Endurance workouts can get boring some times. They take awhile. Working out with a team of other women is a great way to have company, stay motivated, and strengthen the army of women against the Patriarchy.
The most misunderstood workouts are those that involve weightlifting. The Patriarchy has led us to believe that weightlifting is only for men, and women who participate are less feminine. Don’t let that that stop you! Show the Patriarchy that all women can carry the weight of the world! Weightlifting is vital to build the muscle you need to kick the Patriarchy’s ass. Get strong in order to have the power to win.
Bench presses work your chest and arms so you can haul yourself up the ladder to be the leader in your workplace.
Simply lie on the bench and grab the bar above. Make sure you have a spotter behind you. Lift the bar off the rack and slowly bring it down so it is right above your chest and then push it back up onto the rack.
Squats will work your quads, hamstrings, and glutes. They will give you a strong foundation to stand on so the Patriarchy can’t topple you over.
Adjust the rack so you can comfortably lift the bar off the rack and place it back on the rack while you are standing. It should be around your mid-chest. Make sure you have a spotter—women supporting women is the only way we’ll all triumph. Stand with your legs shoulder width apart and your toes pointing forward. Grab the bar so it is resting on your shoulders. Lift the bar off the rack. Take a step back. Slowly squat down with your chest up and butt out. Move your hips back as you go down. The key is to look at something in front and above you. You want the power to be going through your heels and not your toes. Go until your hips just break parallel with your knees and then drive through your heels to push up. As you drive up, imagine you are pushing through the glass ceilings holding you back.
Dumbbells are also a great way to lift without needing a spotter. Make sure you use a weight that is heavy enough to feel a burn, but not so heavy you can’t lift it. You need to effectively build muscle in order to crush the Patriarchy.
Running arms with weights are a great way to prepare for battle: Holding weights, move your arms like you are running. This will build your shoulders and other arm muscles that are important for your stride. This will give you greater speed and endurance to outrun the Patriarchy.
Start by holding the dumbbells with your arms hanging by your sides. Lift them up so you for a T and then go back down. Building up your shoulders is important so you can cast off the weight of oppression.
Hold the dumbbells right by your quads (the front of your thighs). Now lift so your arms are in front of you parallel to the ground. These are important in order to make your arms strong so you can break free of the Patriarchy as it tries to hold you back.
Hold the dumbbells by your chest and push out so you are forming a T again. Go back in. This motion allows you to practice physically smushing the Patriarchy.
Building up your core is also important so you can stand up tall in the face of the Patriarchy. One idea to get you started is a five-minute continuous circuit where you do an ab workout for 30 seconds. Start off with some form of flutter kicks, toe touches, crunches, lemon squeezers/suitcases, bicycles, and side crunches. Finish up with side planks and a regular plank for about a minute each. It’s quick and will help you stand tall.
So what are you waiting for? Go blast some awesome workout tunes and get ready to destroy the Patriarchy!! Go get ‘em, darlings.
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