I want to feel something with someone.
When asked about my love life, I laugh. Because I know what the answer to that question has been in the past, and I most certainly know what I deserve. But as someone who has never fallen in love before, I have started to wonder if it was something that could ever happen for me.
You see, I am kind of like a dating paradox. I am scared of being in a relationship, but I get attached way too easily to be friends with benefits with anyone. I think I want a relationship but the thought of being that intimate with someone intimidates me, which is why I use the word “think” when deep down, I know that is actually exactly what I want someday.
While someone once told me that being in a relationship in our early 20s simply means having someone to binge-watch Netflix with, I see it as someone who wants to be something more than just a person to put your arm around from time to time. I imagine it to be something really corny like a person who only wants to protect you from your fears and in turn wants to be a part of your dreams. Someone who you can somehow count on, despite how fleeting the people and the things in our lives may be. Someone who you can put your trust in when the stability you carry on your shoulders needs a lift.
On paper that seems really touching, and why would I possibly be scared of having that when it sounds soooo great, right? But when you have never had anything even remotely close to that, it is not only unforeseeable but terrifying.
Because when you have never had anything with anyone, what you give and what you get, you have accomplished all by yourself. That makes you strong because you can rely on yourself. But because you can count on yourself, you cannot imagine counting on anyone else or someone wanting you to count on them. You cannot see having that as an option. And you do not have this rationale as a front or a suit of armor—you feel this way because it is all you know.
This is the mentality of someone who wants a relationship but is too scared to admit it.
Because you are too scared, you take the half-ass approach to feeling something with someone. You hook up with them. You have that one night stand, that maybe turns into three or four, or maybe even countless nights, and you tell yourself it means nothing.
But because you are too nervous to take that plunge into feeling something with someone, you turn down dinner dates and accept one night stands, because at least you’re feeling something with someone without the repercussions of getting hurt.
Or so you thought.
Until it all catches up to you, and eventually it always does. You thought that one/numerous night stands are better off because you do not have to worry about discovering what went wrong with yet another guy. After all, you do not know them. You sleep with them and “feel” something for a little while, and then you walk away not looking back, just living your life by yourself with no one else once again.
Whereas dinner dates mean making it through the main course without feeling uncomfortable talking about yourself and things that matter to you. Because what if you do go on this dinner date and nothing that matters to you resonates with the other person? What if you get hurt? Those are your constant questions.
But eventually you ask yourself the most important question of them all: What do you really want—is this it?
It’s OK to want to feel something with someone. It’s OK to want a relationship, even if you are a little scared of it. Because one day, maybe someone someday will want to protect you from that fear and all your other fears, and in turn be a part of all your wildest dreams. (Dreams which include being in a relationship and being someone you can binge-watch Netflix with.)
Yes, it may be scary and even horrifying to admit, but maybe it will not be so scary once we get ourselves out there and give ourselves and someone else a fighting chance.
