117 Thoughts Had While Reading The Gender-Swapped Twilight

For the 10th anniversary of “Twilight,” Stephenie Meyer released a gender-swapped version of the book, featuring Beau Swan and Edythe Cullen. Because that’s definitely what all the Twihards wanted. No, instead of finally giving the Twilight fandom “Midnight Sun,” a version of “Twilight” told from Edward’s perspective that was leaked online several years ago, she gave the world “Life and Death.” Meyer said that she went with a gender-swapped version of the story to prove that Bella Swan wasn’t a damsel in distress, which Meyer has received heavy criticism for. Instead, she wanted to prove that the character is a “human in distress,” a human surrounded by supernatural creatures and dangers that would be a struggle for anyone.

Well, we read “Life and Death,” and here are some of the painful thoughts we had along the way. #StillTeamJacob (or really #TeamBella&Edythe).

“Life and Death?” She couldn’t have come up with something more creative than that?
Maybe Twi-hard. Get it? hah.
Why does Beau have blue eyes? Are brown eyed, brown haired guys just too bland for SMeyer?
Is anyone else now picturing SMeyer with as a dude, because pretty sure that’s what she did here.
Does Beau have any actual interests?
Oh he read a book. Once. It’s about monsters.
So he doesn’t really read, watch TV, or listen to music beside what his parents gave him; hates sports, people, cars, and the outdoors.
Beau might in fact be made out of plaster he’s so dull.
Why are all these Foks High girls interested in him?
Damn these girls are in charge of their sexuality and relationships. They’re not afraid to go after who they want.
Which is apparently the most white bread guy since the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
Why is it spelled Edythe. Edward wasn’t spelled Eydwarde.
ARCHIE?
ARCHIE has a skinhead haircut and walks like a dancer and is really touchy-feely.
And today ladies and gentleman, Rosalie Hale is being played by Cam Gigandet’s man bun.
Why Does Eleanor just sound like Emmet put on a wig?
Apparently the only way to express that a woman is strong is to imply The Rock wouldn’t whistle at her?
Is anyone else picturing Umbridge in “A Very Potter Sequel?”
Hold on, I’m going to need wine for this.
Actually maybe a Red Bull, anything to stay awake through this snore fest.
Was “Twilight” actually this boring?
At least they edited out the pages upon pages of watching Bella cook.
Though even genderswapped Beau seems to still be Charlie’s substitute wife.
If she uses “bronze-y” to describe Edythe’s hair one more time…
Oh, we’re now referring to it as metallic that’s so much better.
HA, found a place where they forgot to gender swap some pronouns.
I think I like Edward better as a girl.
Edythe is kind of a manic pixie dream girl isn’t she?
Are they always this annoying?
Was Edward this annoying or was it somehow mysterious?
Do female readers secretly want a manic pixie dreamboy but disguise it as being “mysterious?”
BRB, now psychoanalyzing all my responses to every leading male character in a female-driven novel.
Screw this, I relate to Mr.Darcy on a deeply spiritual level. He ain’t no manic-pixie landed gentry, he’s an introverted curmudgeon.
OK, Back to Twi-boy.
Actually I’d really rather be reading Jane Austen right now.
I’ve officially zoned out for 30% of this book
I’m pretty much on auto-pilot turning the pages every 60 seconds.
Did it take this long to get to the climax in the first book?
I’ve read better Twilight fanfiction.
Though to be fair, this IS Twilight fanfiction.
It would’ve been funnier if she released this online as fanfiction.
Man the comment section would be priceless.
Actually no it wouldn’t, no one would read it.
Canon Alternate Universe pieces went out of vogue years ago.
Though I bet the fandom is having a heyday with this.
Does the Twilight fandom still exist or is it now officially the “Fifty Shades of Grey” fandom?
I wonder when gender-swapped “Fifty Shades of Grey” will come out?
Apparently Edythe can actually say the word sex. That’s a nice change of pace.
Though they’re still not having any.
Did Beau just obliquely reference having wet dreams?
You can physically feel his awkwardness when he desribes how the lavender shirt clings to her “breasts.”
I’m surprised he doesn’t call them her mammary glands.
I can kinda dig this warrior girl squad of vamps and wolves
Anthropologically, many indigenous peoples were matriarchal, so it makes sense to have a female chief.
Do female werewolves imprint on baby boys?
Wouldn’t that make them cougars instead?
Hah. I crack myself up.
Somehow Beau and Bella being chicken shit manages to be equally offensive as both genders?
As a girl Bella’s fear of running and driving fast makes her seem like a wet sock. As a boy Beau just seems like a control freak who doesn’t trust the little woman’s ability to handle things.
At some point in time it should really stop being so jarring that the genders are swapped, but something always feels off.
It’s kind of a fascinating study of gender as a social construct. Swapping pronouns doesn’t account for the entirely different lives these characters would lead growing up a different gender. Beau caring for his mother would make him overly protective and unwilling to relinquish all controls and decisions to Edythe because he’s used to having to be in charge. There’s none of that struggle here, he just blindly lets her do everything despite it going against his entire nature.
Bella was always a martyr and yet Beau is cast as protective (sorta).
Really wish there was more nuanced gender differences taken into account.
And now Edythe is carrying Beau through the woods.
But it worked for Buffy. Buffy could carry big guys and steel girders and it was awesome.
This just seems preposterous.
Edythe is no Buffy.
Earnest is the epitome of the Brooklyn hipster stay-at-home dad. He’s even into architecture.
Do teenagers actually get this attached this quickly?
If Edythe and Beau had sex would her vampire vagina crush his dick?
If a girl vampire was physically a virgin could a human penis even get in?
How did this become even more complicated than vampire/human procreation?
Beau being over keen to push the physicality and Edythe having to yell “Dammit Beau” in response is somehow even creepier than Edward controlling all their sexual progress.
This would’ve been so much better as a lesbian love affair.
Edythe & Bella 4 Ever
And they’d be more anatomically compatible. No spine breaking or penis crushing.
Actually this should just become entirely female and Twilight reimagined as Amazons.
It would have about the equivalent amount of maleness as this book has.
Dude, Beau turning into a vampire at the end makes this 10 times more interesting than I thought it was going to be.
But Bella has to wait four books, whine, needle, and cajole Edward to allow her to become a vampire; has to be beaten, bit, dumped, wed, knocked up, and have a kid before he’s willing to let her make her own decision about her life (and even still is a life or death situation), but Beau just gets to say once “I want to be with you forever” and he gets what he wants?
I lied, SMeyer definitely gave Beau some residual perks of the patriarchy—the right to autonomy over his own life decisions.
Funny how being a girl allows Edward to acquiesce to her mate’s desires instead of forcing her own upon him.
Though for the first time in 400 some-odd pages this book just got interesting.
Ah the epilogue, or as I like to call it “The Exposition-logue”
Is she trying to wrap up what became four other books in one epilogue?
Edythe is freaking tap dancing she’s giving backstory so fast.
Are we really led to believe that Beau can actually hear this why he changes?
This seems like a classic case of “I just got screwed by my first person narrative and must provide a lot of information in a dubious manner because if the protagonist blacks out, so does the book.”
Oh, so it’s a She-turi now, and they’re nicer, because they’re girls.
I guess women in power are less inclined to be war mongers.
Unless they’re Eleanor.
Or Jessamine.
Or whatever the new James character was called.
Or the entire pack of female werewolves.
This theory is falling apart SMeyer.
So if Edythe and Beau are now teenage vamps living together are they you know, living together?
Because the first thing Edward and Bella did as vamps was bone.
In a really, really cringeworthy way.
Actually good call keeping that out of this SMeyer.
It would be all, “Oh Beau, your 17 years of disinterest in girls, pop culture, or anything besides cooking fish has made you a fantastic lover.Butter me up like a codfish you pasty studmuffin with no known physique.”
Let’s be honest, Edythe would entirely be in charge of this. “Lay back and think of your beige walls my love, I know how your penis works.”
At least there’s no uterus eating in this book.
That should be the Amazon review for it: “Better than expected as it didn’t involve a cannibalistic fetus and her father eating his wife’s stomach.”
That last line was so basic.
I wish Joss Whedon had written this.
I wish literally anyone else had written this.