The Weirdest Things We’ve Heard While Eavesdropping

Twenty-Something Tuesday

None of us can really resist eavesdropping every now and then. Even the most mundane vignettes of other people’s lives can serve as a nice break from our own dramas, but sometimes we are truly blessed with especially juicy tidbits or long, weary sagas. Here are some of our best overheard conversations.


“Yeah, things got weird when Mike found my shiv.”

Where: Coffee shop

“What do you mean the jail will only let me send you three pictures?”

Where: My apartment

My neighbor likes to have private conversations in the hallway of our apartment building. What she doesn’t realize (or maybe doesn’t care) that the acoustics in our hallway broadcasts her conversation to every apartment in the building.

“Thomas Jefferson is bae.” “No, Thomas Jefferson is dead.”

Where: Coffee shop

As I sat attempting to do work, a group of high school girls took up a massive table and dropped this little gem.


“I could get you fired. I know your manager… Oh yeah? Did you get your wife pregnant with it?”

Where: My apartment

Hall conversation neighbor (again).

(Indignantly): “I don’t know what kind of tree that is. I’m not a tree prodigy!”

When: Freshman year of college

Remember that first week of college when everyone was trying to let everyone else know who they were and what they stood for? And some people expressed themselves more gracefully than others? Well, this guy had a real chip on his shoulder about trees.


“Helpful as syphilis, that one.”

Where: Amtrak on the Northeast Corridor

A traveling British family was apparently indignant about the complete lack of crisps and tea in the snack car heading toward Washington, D.C.


“You’re gonna regret it. I know you. You like to take a couple of shots, then you snort a few lines of coke and then before you know it you start sleeping around because the money is too good and then you feel like a little whore! I’m just saying you’re gonna regret it!”

Where: My apartment

The walls are so thin in my apartment that I can hear my neighbor have conversations like we are in the same room.


“Get your motherf*cking Adam’s apple out of my motherf*cking nose”

Who: Crazy man wandering through Penn Station with no one around him.

Apparently in NYC Adam’s apples are serious business, and should never, ever be in the proximity of someone’s nose.


“My head was throbbing. My leg. My stomach.
I couldn’t walk. I crawled in the snow. I counted a dozen skeletons.”

Where: Starbucks


“I’m going to spread your ashes outside a British pub’s filthy alley so that you’ll spend the afterlife being pissed on.”

Who: Phone conversation between sisters

Nothing shows sisterly bonding like an expertly crafted put-down?


“But where does the poop go?!?!”

When: During an episode of “Tiny Houses”

Is there anything more enjoyable than a hatewatch of HGTV? The new show “Tiny Houses” seems to inspire an extra level of rage as people can’t seem to grasp the contrast that they’re looking at TINY HOUSES.

“Okay but like, did she actually do coke or was it just for the Vine?”

Where: In the f*cking library. Where I study. During finals.

I cannot count the number of dirty looks I threw at Heather/Amber/Tiffany as they recounted in detail AND AT FULL VOLUME the sordid affair thrown by their sorority the previous weekend.  Everyone else on the floor was silent except for these oblivious sisters. The fact that out of my entire school, only 2 percent of the population is enrolled in the Greek system, makes these encounters rare, but damn if I didn’t tweet about it.

View Comment (1)
  • Why do “proud feminists” always have “sailors mouths”? Girl power is so effed in America. When women think being a loud-mouthed a$$hole is power you have a bunch of people who’ve been duped into thinking that being a jerk = a good thing.

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