I just got out of a relationship in which I fell in love for the first time in five years.
My heart still aches a little, and I get teary-eyed when I deeply think about it, but give me time. After all, they do say time heals all wounds. But do they?
Post-breakups are strange to me. Everyone responds differently. I was never the type to wallow and cry for days at a time. My younger self would have gathered the girls, taken shots of Patron, and painted the town red. But I am not in my early twenties anymore.
I have a tendency to do this thing when flings end, or out of boredom: I date for the thrill. I did it for the pleasures: conversations, drinks, and the flattery, but all that translated as an instant fulfillment that had no prospects of substantial continuance. The men became all the same. Dating just to date with no genuine and long-term intentions became exhausting and wasteful. After doing this repetitive cycle, somewhere in the last few years, it was not satisfying enough—I wanted more. I wanted something worth investing in, an actual relationship.
I am not interested in the temporary high to fill some void. I had this profound discovery after taking my time with healing, the “void” is my loneliness. An emotion that every human feels. Today it can be loneliness, tomorrow it can be pain. I simply sought out these momentary rushes for what? To make myself feel full? To bury my emotions? Did it help?
After this breakup, I don’t want to dive into my old habits. I don’t want to go out and “play the field.” Simply put, I’m not ready and I want to do things differently.
Einstein said “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
This is applicable for me because I am giving time the opportunity to heal my wounds. Instead of jumping back on my laptop and rushing to activate my OKCupid account due to boredom or to find someone to hook up with because I am hurt, I am going to stay put and allow myself to feel. Wallow, cry, or whatever emotions I have instead of masking them and distracting myself with these meaningless flings.
A friend reminded me that I haven’t cried this much since my last serious relationship in college; she said this is the first time I’ve felt loved in years. She was right—I realized that my unhealthy habits were not the best.
It was easier to engage myself physically than to open up emotionally. I forgot what it means to allow myself to be vulnerable to someone in all aspects. To trust someone unknowingly. To take a risk with my emotions. Just being vulnerable and completely open, all of this was new to me.
I was good at avoiding internal conundrums and being very stubborn about dealing with unwanted emotions. This time, being a little older and wiser, I am choosing to face the hurt and sadness that naturally comes after a good relationship that has ended.
Yeah, it totally sucks and this approach may not be understood or supported, but I have to do it for me this time.
I don’t want to wild out, get drunk and find this instant “connection” in hopes that my sadness will fade. It’s a matter of learning to listen to myself and my emotions.
If I ever hope to be emotionally healthy, such as being capable of feelings or having real emotions, then I need to try something new.
But I guess, only time will tell how these wounds heal.
Chary is a creative type living in Brooklyn, New York. She’s an Aries and her spirit animal is between Jess from the New Girl and Tina Belcher from Bob’s Burgers. She has always struggled with self-summaries, so you can find her at her personal blog, butttonsandchary.com or one of her social networks to get idea who and how she is—Instagram @charypie.
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