RIP ABC Family: Why We Hate the Name “Freeform”

Hello, it’s Freeform.

ABC Family is changing its name to “Freeform” on Tuesday, January 12th to appeal to a generation that it has so lovingly (read: infuriatingly) dubbed “becomers.” To say goodbye to our beloved ABC Family (#RIP), here are our reasons why we’ll miss the original network name:

1. Because “becomers” sounds like something your mom/dad made up when trying to sound hip and cool to all the kids during a mid-life crisis. STOP TRYING TO BE COOL ABC FAMILY, YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!

2. “Freeform’s 25 Days of Christmas” just doesn’t sound the same. What am I supposed to watch when avoiding eye contact/conversation with my family during the holidays now?!?!

3. They say change is good. That it’s healthy. That it’s OK. Spoiler alert: It’s not. We “becomers” are going through a lot of changes in life—height, acne, hormones, angst. Can’t we have ONE stable thing in our lives? THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

4. FreeForm sounds like a weird cult name. Come on, this is not a good name for a TV network. What does “Freeform” even mean? “I believe in the power of freeform and that is how I will commune with angels.” The headlines just write themselves.

5. ABC Family was actually a very sweet idea. We understand the controversy, but no one can deny that ABC Family was try to portray “a new kind of family.” One that was all inclusive and showed us that not all families look alike but they do love alike. After all, we really shouldn’t give into haters.

6. It gives your conservative parents something else to complain about. Conservative parents were already up in arms about ABC Family’s progressive content, but were still somewhat pacified by its familial ties. Now, prepare yourself for complaints about how everything has to be “free” now and “there are no rules or morals or guidelines anymore.” Yay.

7. Freeform is the Mighty Kids Meal of television. Like you can almost watch adult shows, but nottttttttt quite yet.

8. Still want to know why “The Harry Potter Weekend” network was rejected as a title.  Is there ever a time when Harry Potter isn’t on? Why not just give in and call a spade a spade, ABC. You’re the HP re-run network and we love you for it.

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