The second 2016 hit, New Years party hats and blowhorns were cleared off the shelves to make way for heart-shaped boxes, polyester teddy bears, and musical cards of cheesy love songs like the Bangles’ Eternal Flame or some other acid reflux-inducing ballad. And you’re not having any of it. While your happily-coupled friends are deciding what colored underwear to wear on their Valentine’s Day dates, you wonder if you’re too young to start reading Fifty Shades of Grey (you are) or too old to relate to Taylor Swift’s Speak Now album (you aren’t).
But who says you can’t still celebrate Valentine’s Day as a single and bitter woman? No, I don’t mean galentines day; I mean the real deal—the one day a year you’re allowed to attribute far too much meaning to past, present, or non-existent relationships; eat far too much sugar; and cry because Pizza Hut doesn’t have special delivery deals on Sunday nights. Ladies, no matter what kind of relationship you’re just not over, this one’s for you.
How to Throw the Perfect V-Day Pity Party
The key to a good pity party is a short guest list. Ideally, just one guest: you. However, if you’re lucky enough to know an equally-misanthropic human on this Hallmark holiday, go ahead and invite them over. After all, misery loves company.
Pets are also permissible—encouraged, actually.
The post-breakup go-to tends to be Ben & Jerry’s, french fries, and chocolate. While there’s no shame in high-calorie and low-budget snacking, this is a classier occasion and you’re worth it, dammit! Make some over-the-top hors d’oeuvres, cheese fondue for one, pop a bottle of champagne, and eat using the fanciest cutlery you own. This is your night and you deserve nothing but the finest of meals.
But don’t bother baking the cookie dough.
Use your best judgment on what to wear, but aim for something that says “Not sure why this is my first time wearing this dress since I bought it two years ago, but I look so good I might accidentally post the selfie I ‘sent to my friend’ to my Snapstory and not think twice about it.” Pants are optional.
Now this depends on what you’re going for. If you want to continue to wallow in self-pity I recommend some 2010 Taylor or any of Adele’s hits, but I’m a bit biased. Bon Iver is always a solid choice as is Norah Jones—even Elton John’s got some good ones (“I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues” gets me every time). If you’ve already got a glass or two of champagne in you and are ready to get up on your feet I recommend some Beyoncé or anything by a boy band. The possibilities are endless, but whatever you play, play it loud.
Check out some LD favorites.
One word: pyrotechnics (and three other important ones: practice fire safety). Psychologically speaking, there are few things more cathartic than burning useless objects that once held an absurd amount of sentimental value. Love notes, his T-shirt, pictures from high school prom (you know, the one where you didn’t become prom queen)? Burn, baby, burn.
Watch Titanic. The disaster half.
Make up a list of sassy remarks and/or comebacks to deliver sans hesitation should you happen upon your love interest or love disinterest in the near future. Seek inspiration from High School Musical lyrics, episodes of New Girl, or your little brother.
General wallowing is also acceptable as long as it is accompanied by copious amounts of alcohol and a viewing of The Notebook.
Make a music video.
…This is also a good time to practice voodoo if you haven’t already.
No matter how you spend this evening—curled up with a good book and an even better bottle of wine, or sobbing on top of your cat—this night is for you and don’t you forget it! So, darlings, indulge, dance, wallow, and sing to your heart’s content this sunday. Have a happy Valentine’s Day, damn it.
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