How to Love Family That Loves Trump

trump survival guide

Admittedly, we all thought this Trump farce would be over by now. Surely the American people couldn’t possibly elect a sexist reality TV star for president, we said. No one would actually take him seriously we exclaimed. The GOP establishment would never let this happen the pundits argued.

And yet it has. Slowly Trump’s been sneaking into our Facebook feeds and around our dinner table. The alternative Republican candidates that would certainly take Trump’s spot as the front-runner have now taken to endorsing the man. Good people around the world are succumbing to Trump fever and for those of us left to survive this apocalypse, we are going to have to come to terms with living and loving people who vote Trump.

To help us through these trying and difficult times, we’ve created a survival guide to help you keep sane during your interactions.

An ass for an ass

Remind yourself that for several years, these people were solely responsible for wiping your ass and dealing with the never-ending supply of feces and debris that exited your body. Having dinner time conversations through this election period is an equivalent experience, so you guys are kind of even now.

Wait it out

When your crazy old uncle starts to yap (again) at how great America will once again become when Trump is elected, just hold tight. Bite your tongue and imagine that if/when Trump does get elected, said uncle will soon be hiding out in shame, burning his “Make America Great Again” baseball cap in the shed outside his trailer home.

Gatsby it

“Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

-F.Scott Fitzgerald

Create a detente

Every time they bring up Trump, steal Colin Firth’s line from Kingsman:I’m a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. Hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon madam.” If they have the right to offend you, you have the right to offend them. It creates a stalemate and dinner can then proceed as usual.

Relish that the great oligarch will make everyone poor soon

As they’re touting that this country needs a businessman to run the country like a business, rest assured that they’ll be broke and asking you to explain socialism to them within the year. All those tax breaks they’re already spending will be going toward off-shore corporations that still won’t be coming back to the States or creating any jobs. When the tax hikes start rolling in when Mexico refuses to pay for the wall, they’ll be far less smug.

Think of the blackmail potential

Much of the Trump survival requires playing the long game. It’s inevitable that if they’re even slightly sane individuals who have drunk the Kool-aid, it will have to wear off when they’re forced to live with the repercussions of their ill-advised voting decisions. When they do, you’ll have the ultimate Trump card—the ability to remind them of it for the rest of their life.

Serve them Mexican food on election night

Granted this is a subtle dig, so make sure to also reference all the other ethnic cuisines they love that were brought to this country by immigrants. Might be a little difficult to get when you lock all the borders and all the people who came to the USA chasing the American Dream then turn around and flee from it.


By and far our most popular option by the staff. If they’re going to support a sexist, racist, bigoted reality TV star who purports violence, stupidity, and whose idea of “Making America Great Again” is to revert it to the worst variation of itself, then maybe you don’t want these people in your life. If they are drawn to his cult-like fervor and are swept in his perverted form of nationalism, well then, our history books have told us what to do with people like that. Do not yield to their vitriol and ignorance. Do not let politeness and moderation curb your tongue. Do not let a single utterance of his filth go uncontested. There is respecting a difference of political opinion, encouraging the moderate bipartisan approach, and there is letting hate ruin our nation. And that’s what Trump is doing, stirring up the hatred deep in the bellies of people who have opted out of the electoral process in the past, and giving it a platform and a pundit. But remember, as Winston Churchill said in 1937, “Dictators ride to and fro on tigers from which they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry.”

This will not end well for anyone if we let people get away with this hatred.

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