I Am Forever Stuck On The Verge Of Something Great

By Ellie Etchu

Being on the verge of something, anything is as painful as it is hard to explain. Especially when you are in your early to mid-twenties and your life is still on the verge of moving on to the next chapter.

I am on the verge of completing my undergraduate studies. Finally. On the verge of getting my masters. On the verge of applying to said graduate school and on the verge of relocating. I am on the verge of  kick starting my weight loss plan and becoming a knockout, a bombshell, or a real beauty. I am on the verge of getting that amazing internship. On the verge of learning how to drive because yes, at 23, while everyone I know that is younger than me knows how to drive, I still do not.

It would seem like my life is hanging on an eternal precipice as I am constantly waiting to take that next step. For however painful this feeling is, it is even more difficult to have to explain yourself to others, especially those you don’t know. For example, I recently joined and deleted the dating app OkCupid. I found myself having to explain who I am to strangers who added nothing to my human experience. I didn’t even bother writing a mini bio or whatever it’s called as I told all my potential suitors to just ask me. So when they did end up asking me questions for things such as a picture, I had to admit that I hated taking one. Why? Because it’s complicated. I am on the verge of losing weight and because of prior personal experience knew they would hate how I looked in those pictures.

When they ask me what I do, I say I’m a student on the verge of graduation and that though I should have graduated at 21 I will be finishing up my undergraduate degree at 24. When they ask me what I wanted from them I got a little more confused. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am answering this questions smoothly now but it’s a bit more awkward having to explain to strangers that you truly are beautiful and full of potential when all they can gauge you by is through a face or body pic. More than that, you are loyal, kind, and easygoing. If you do not look a certain way to others, I have discovered, you will not be given an equal chance. A lot of times we don’t see potential, we see flesh covered by accessories and were either put off or attracted by that. But in a world where we’re told the conflicting message to love who we are and to strive for ultimate physical perfection, it becomes difficult to explain to strangers, or for some, family members that haven’t been seen in a long while, who we are and why we matter.

Finding myself in this problem, I am forced to admit that I took the easier route. I copped out. Instead of dealing with those intrusive questions about my nonexistent dating life or my stalled graduation date, I’ve decided to live my life unperturbed. I don’t plan on using an app to meet a potential love interest. Besides most apps are intended mainly for hooking up. I don’t intend on answering anymore questions about when I am going to graduate because it’s nobody’s business but my own. If that means living a solitary existence with just my family and close friends for now, then that is what I aim to do.

Even when we are on the verge of moving to the next great step or accomplishing something major, it is important to remember that even now we are still complete. The same way we don’t need to explain ourselves to other people is the same way we need to realize that in the present moment, we are the embodiment of almost a quarter centuries (in)dignities and that in itself is a feat of its own.  

About Ellie

ellie etchuEleanor, or Ellie as she prefers to be a called, is a posh princess living the beggar life. Yes, as much as Ellie would like to admit, she still has a long way to go and though it may seem all darkness right now, Ellie can see the light at the end of the tunnel. She enjoys experimental poetry and prose so Kathy Acker is her god. She is currently a senior at Eastern Michigan University studying Creative Writing and Film and hopes to one day make movies and literature for all the young kiddies as well as those currently fed up with the movies churned out by H-Wood.

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