The Kylie and Tyga Breakup Is A Win For Kylie

As we all heard this week, love is officially dead. The totally age-appropriate romance between Kylie Jenner and Tyga appears to have crumbled. Granted, I do not Keep Up with the Kardashians, so I never really studied the romance of your two-year (somehow???) relationship. But I do know that 17-year-olds, even those who have the global spotlight thrust upon them and must mature at an early age, generally make terrible dating decisions.

I realize joking about celebrity relationships is taking the easy way out, and there is probably real pain there when it ends. But I am here to tell you, Kylie, that you are WAY better off without him, for the following reasons:

He rapped about your dick sucking skills

Look this is not appropriate, especially since I’m pretty sure you were underage at the time (and it’s not even a good rap lyric! It’s so terrible! But I digress.). It’s possible to have a rapper boyfriend who talks about you in a loving and respectful way instead of how horny you both are all the time. Here are some examples: Kanye, Common, Jay Z—how about Lil Wayne? TuPac? Future? You should not be OK with someone rapping about you with such a lack of respect—for you AND the genre of rap. (OK, clearly time for my next point…)

Tyga is kind of a terrible rapper

His “serious” project got the Guy Fieri of album reviews. I keep thinking I like him OK and then I remember I’m thinking of Ty Dolla $ign. Like sure, “Rack City” is catchy but that has everything to do with the bassline and nothing to do with his rapping abilities. Here are some actual lines from that song, tell me how good you think they are:

• “If you ain’t got no ass, wear a poncho.”
• “Young Money yeah we gettin’ rich/I got your grandma on my dick.”
• “Get it in the morning like Alonzo/Rondo, green got cheese like a nacho” (Plus, Lil’ Wayne already used the good part of this line!).

He “bought” (leased) you a car worth more than his career

I’m just saying. You were bankrolling that relationship and 100% guarantee he’s going to have a hard time now that he can’t use you for publicity.

He has terrible taste in tattoos

You can have great sex with someone who has shitty tattoos. But you do not have a long-term relationship with someone who can’t think long-term about their body. He let the CEO of Young Money records tattoo his face. You can absolutely marry someone who has lots of tattoos if you think they’re sexy, but stupid face tattoos will be right there, staring at you, forever.

Baby mama drama

Again, back to the matter of respecting women and making mature decisions (for the sake of a child!). Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure both he and Blac Chyna were petty, but you need someone who can manage his shit civilly without that much public drama. Or cheating rumors. Plus, Tyga would have been father and uncle to his own son. That’s a sign it’s time to dilute the family a little.

The age thing

I get that your life is entirely different than a normal person’s, but the fact is young people generally make stupid dating decisions (not always! Hi Amy!). I know when you’re 18, maybe dating someone who is 26 doesn’t seem so bad, but I will be interested to see how you feel about that later. Most of my friends, myself included, dated people with age gaps that didn’t seem like a big deal until we grew up and realized how immature the “older” person was (again, not always, but…usually). There’s a lot of learning that happens in your early 20s—and now you have some time to experience it.

You are one of the most desired women on the planet

You’re young. You’re hot. You have an extremely successful lip kit (hey look—you have products that you sell and are not just banking on being a Kardashian!). For chrissakes you’re still a teenager—have some fun! Right now you probably have a lot of emotions and feel like no one in the world can understand you as well as he can. But I’m just saying—you have a lot of f*cking options out there and I’m sure one of them will pan out better for you.