To my friends: I love you, but stay the f*ck out of my relationship. You mean well, but by butting into my relationship you are jeopardizing ours. I know that I haven’t made the best choices when it comes to men in the past and that you’re just trying to look out for me, but by constantly prying you are making me choose between either staying happy in my romantic relationship or our platonic one.
I understand why you are a little taken back by how aggressively private I have been with my current relationship, since in the past I have been more open with the goings on between my partner and I—but I do make an effort to learn from my mistakes. By being so open about the ins and outs and ups and downs of previous relationships, I left too much room for everyone else’s opinion about it. When all of your friends and family start weighing in on the he-said/she-said, things get monumentally complicated.
Yes, you guys have been there with me through the f*ckboys, the emotionally unstable long-term boyfriend, and then a few more f*ckboys. I mean let’s be real, you were there for me before I was even that interested in dating. You don’t want to see me get hurt again. I get it—I love you for it. And because I love you, I smiled politely when you introduced me to the fourth asshat that I knew wouldn’t last, but you thought was “the one.” Or when I had to sit by and watch you ruin things with a great guy for a bad influence. I expressed my opinions, but then let you make your own decisions and supported you through them. Let me say that again: I let you make your own choices, without shoving my opinion down your throat, but was there for you when things went to shit.
So yes, I’ve kept my current relationship under wraps for awhile—and I can see why that may have made you a little anxious. But when I tell you that this relationship, this guy, is different—you owe me the courtesy of respecting that. Just like when you persistently asked about my relationship, since it is so lowkey, I tried to fill you in a bit. I gave you a brief rundown of how we got from A to B, and some light chatter about what was going on at the moment. To which you immediately jumped down my throat with snap judgements and attempts to create drama where there was none, and all of the red flags went up. Like I said, learning from mistakes and all that jazz. Yes, when you called me out on being “diplomatic” and “too chill,” I could see where you were coming from. I do have a history of taking a lot of shit from people I care for—but maybe I’ve simply grown up a little in how I handle things? So I tried to explain why I was unbothered, and you continued to do your best to stir up high-school style drama.
But here’s the thing—I am in a trusting, adult relationship and would like to keep it that way. Who knows—I might (probably will) end up getting hurt again, but right now I’m really happy. I love you, and I value our relationship—but we’re not in high school anymore. If you cannot leave my relationship alone without trying to create drama, then I will keep you out of it. I won’t choose between relationships, but it is unfair for me to feel as though I may have to.
When I say I trust someone, you should respect me enough to leave it at that. Just like you should respect that other people’s relationships will be different than yours. I don’t give you shit for saying “I love you” after a month, so please stop giving me shit for not having said it after almost a year.
I get why you enjoy that verbal confirmation of reciprocal feelings in your relationship. So please, try to understand when I find mine in things other than a phrase. In past relationships, “I love you” almost always followed an apology as an excuse. “I’m sorry… but you know that I love you.” I learned to put more stock in actions than words, because it is very easy to say one thing yet still do another. And that is OK. My current partner is wonderfully open, and while I’m still trying to return that transparency to the same extent, I give zero f*cks about the fact that he still talks with his ex-girlfriend—and despite what you think, that is OK.
If I can’t discuss things with you without you blowing them into a big deal, then I will have to stop talking to you about them. I would love for you to get to know this guy better because he is wonderful. But if you aren’t going to share in that happiness without trying to make me doubt it, then I will keep you out of it. I’m not trying to hide things, just preserve both relationships. You guys are my best friends, and I know you mean well, but I need you to stay the f*ck out my relationship—for the sake of ours.