How To Get A Girl And Keep Her Happy, Because Romance Isn’t Dead

It’s hard out there for single guys who are looking for an honest, loving relationship with the girl of their dreams. I refer only to men seeking women, because that’s the only kind of relationship that exists, and I pity their plight because there is absolutely no good advice for guys out there. But the answer of how to get a girl seems frustratingly impossible. There is so much competing advice out there, and so much of it places the emphasis on the man to change his behavior and follow strict rules. It takes all the fun and the romance out of dating—and that’s not what women want.

The key to dating isn’t to follow strict dinner date protocols or slave over crafting the perfect pickup line. All you need to do is be true to yourself, and most importantly, true to the woman you’re trying to woo. Get to know her, allow her to be herself, and then win her heart by showcasing that knowledge.

I’ve compiled a short list of dating tips and tricks that have been 100% verified by myself and my fellow women, in order to help guys navigate the treacherous paths to our hearts.

Bring her the heads of her enemies.

giphy-5Women prefer to fight their own battles, but sometimes it’s really romantic to find out that you understand and hate the same people we hate.


Show that you can chill with her coven.

giphy-2If they don’t accept you, it’s going to make our lives a lot harder.


Skip the bouquet, bring gifts for her pet dragon.

giphy-7Roses die, but the affection that you encourage in my familiar never will.


Be patient if her soul is sometimes open to Satan.

giphy-1Women aren’t going to be sunny and cheerful all the time. We’re real people with real mixed emotions. So be sensitive and understanding, even if you don’t necessarily understand why we’re evoking the Dark Lord in that moment.


Compliment the size of our votive candles.

giphyWe like when men recognize things beyond our physical characteristics, and notice the things we truly care about.


Be willing to talk with the ghost in her bathroom.

giphy-6It shows that you’re comfortable and concerned with those outside of your own worldview.

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Don’t be upset when you’re not invited to midnight-margarita-and-hex sessions.

giphy-4It’s not you, it’s just that it’s really important we maintain some aspect of our separate spheres and don’t become too co-dependent on each other.


Be inventive, and take her to the swamp instead of the movies.

giphy-3Think outside of the box sometimes. Women aren’t all made alike, and therefore have different interests and reactions. Plan dates that show you really get her.


Good luck men, and may the power of mother earth be with you in all your love ventures.

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