I Don’t Know If I Was Raped

*Trigger warning for sexual assault* 

I used to wear a purity ring.

I know it seems outdated and slightly misogynistic, and I know virginity is really just a social construct, but I was raised with certain values. And even after I grew up and explored my own beliefs, I still knew I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. I had strong convictions about it, sex was a big deal to me, and it still is.

I got my purity ring from my mom. She picked it out just for me and it made me feel closer to her. Now, the ring sits in my jewelry box and I only wear it when I see my family. The morning after I lost my virginity, my ring was the first thing I thought of. Do I still wear it? I didn’t know the answer to that question, because there was an even bigger question I didn’t know the answer to: Did I give consent to have sex? Was I raped, or do I just not remember?

I know, I know, there are women all over the world who will hate me for writing this, but I really don’t know. It all seems so black and white until it happens to you. I was stupid drunk, hardly had control of my body, and said “No” at least three times. But I invited him over, I told him to sit next to me on my bed, and ripped his shirt off. He didn’t know I was a virgin, and I didn’t realize I wasn’t anymore until the pain started and I recognized I wasn’t strong enough to stop it. I didn’t fight that hard, I just gave up.

So, was I raped?

The truth is, I wanted to be with him. I craved his body against mine, I wanted someone to wake up next to. I wanted his fingers to explore me, and I wanted mine to explore him. I wanted it so badly. He spoke French and had an accent, he kissed my neck and whispered phrases in my ear, his warm breath tickling my skin, first with French, then English. I wanted him.

But when he said he didn’t have a condom, I realized how far in over my head I was. I thought I could distract him, but it was clear he only wanted one thing. I said “No” and then got on top, trying to sway his attention. But he rolled over, and ten seconds later I said “No, no,” and his answer was a kiss, starting on my lips, and then moving further down.

After, “No, no, come on, no,” the French response made a reappearance, and the battle waged on. He was strong, I wasn’t. I felt the pain, and, once I knew it was too late, just waited for it to be over.

He spooned me in his sleep, and didn’t budge when I got up to go to the bathroom and winced at the blood on the toilet paper. I crawled back in bed, his arms wrapped around me again and I tried to forget.

The next morning I only said “No,” once. I wasn’t a virgin anymore, so what was the point of fighting? I was tired, so tired. At least it was over faster this time.

So, I’ll ask the question again: Was I raped? I don’t know. I didn’t technically give consent, but I didn’t exactly try too hard to stop it either. There was a tiny part of me that wanted it, that relished the fact that he wanted me. But then, the entire next day I cried—when I had to buy the morning-after pill, and when I realized I didn’t even know his last name.

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I used to wear a purity ring. I also used to be a virgin and never even considered the possibility that I might get raped. I knew if that time ever came, I would fight. I would kick and scream and get out. But I didn’t. I gave up. So, was I raped? Or was I just exhausted? Is it rape if I didn’t scream? Was it consent even though I said no? For some reason, the word “rape” makes me imagine fighting and yelling and tears. But that didn’t happen with me, and because it didn’t, I don’t know if it was. Was laying back and waiting for it to be over consent? If anyone else was telling me this, I’d clench my fists and yell out “No!” But it’s me, so I just don’t know.

I’ve only told a very few of my closest friends, and when I told them what happened, they simply widened their eyes, said, “Wow,” and moved on with the conversation, nodding their heads in a display of sorrow and feelings of distance. The “Rape” was never even on the table. It couldn’t have happened to me, they know me. To them, I couldn’t have been raped, I was just drunk. To them, it wasn’t rape, I let it happen. To them, it’s not rape, so how can it be rape to me?

I don’t know if I’ll ever say that word out loud either. It opens up doors I’m not sure I want opened. I become a victim, a number in a book of college sexual assault statistics. But am I a victim? His breath felt so good in my ear. I know I wasn’t just drunk, I know I said “No” numerous times. But right now, I can just close my eyes, take myself somewhere else. If I say I was raped, it’s real, inescapable. I don’t know if I even want to know if I was raped.

What I do know is that now, I’m always thirsty. No matter how many water bottles I drink, I still want more. Now, blank spaces in my day are my worst enemy—too much time to think. Now I see just how much that ring means to me, because not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. Now I try my hardest to avoid the attention of men, and to definitely not get drunk around them. Now, I still don’t know if I was raped or just made a very poor decision.

And I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer. But maybe one day it won’t matter anymore. Maybe, one day, all that will matter is that I’ll be with someone who loves me. Maybe, one day, I’ll forget about my purity ring. Maybe.

View Comments (17)
  • You’re not alone. I think about this all the time, only it was with a boyfriend, and it was almost every single time we had sex. I tired of saying no, of trying to push him off me, he was my boyfriend after all. I think the answer is yes, it’s rape – just a different kind, in the same way there’s physical abuse and mental abuse. You are not alone, and it is not your fault.

  • Thank you for this. I am actually similar to Heather below. I got taken advantage of a couple times by my girlfriend & then I couldn’t stop it. I don’t know what happened. I have such strong Christian views on sex and still do. I wanted it with my forever only and that was taken away from me unfairly. But it is even worse that I don’t even know if it was actually my fault and that it kept happening until I escaped the relationship. It is even worse that I don’t know. & probably never will. I feel guilt & weakness. I keep playing the events over and over in my head to try to see where I went wrong. So for any man that reads this too – you’re not alone. I want to know. I want the memories erased. I want to heal. God bless.

    • I feel this so, so much. I’m a lesbian and I feel like girls who touch other people, boy or girl or otherwise, don’t get a super much recognition as male attackers

  • Thank you for sharing. It took me years to realize that what happened to me wasn’t right. I also do not know if it was rape. I had too much to drink, was hanging around a guy who was not my boyfriend. I felt such immense guilt that I couldn’t even consider that what happened may not have been my fault. I know I said no, I know I was too drunk, I know that he was not. It was years later that I was watching a show where a guy was pressuring a girl to have sex and said the words “you owe this to me”. It was like a bolt a lightning shot through me because that is exactly what he said to me. I now understand why women come forward about rape years later, they may not understand what happened to them until they see it happen to someone else.

  • Yes it was rape. When you realised that he didn’t have protection and you said no because of it made it pretty clear to me. From what I have read, you had the desires to have sex but only if he had protection. The drinking also altered your perception and perhaps made you feel like you wanted to have sex but may have acted otherwise if you were sober. It has been a very confusing time for you. I am really sorry that you had to go through that.

  • Hello, I found this by searching “I don’t know if I was raped” on Google because something very similar happened to me and I don’t entirely know what to do…

  • This post made me feel like I am not alone. Something similar happened to me and I’m trying to get the courage to tell someone. Thank you so much. I admire you authenticity and courage.

  • I had something similar but not quite the same, I was with a guy i had been dating over a month, we had already had sex together by this point. I went to a big party for his graduation and he had tonnes of friends and family there that I went around meeting. They all bought him drinks and he accepted them all wanting to enjoy seeing them (we were both leaving the country, not together but that is how we met in the first place

  • I really needed to read this. I am trying to address my own demons nine years later, and I’m still struggling to accept what happened. I lie to myself every day; that’s easier than facing the reality.

  • The same thing has just happened to me and my friends, the few I have told, say that it is rape but in my mind I feel like I put myself in that position. I kept saying “no” but I then I laughed when he carried on, almost like I thought he was playing with me. I tried to cover myself with my hands but he pulled them away and held them down. I think I gave up too. I was calm afterwards and then I told him that he was selfish and that it had been really horrible for me. He said he was tired and wanted to sleep. I asked him to leave and he got up and went to leave and I ran after him and started hitting him in the chest and he threw me on the floor. The thing is I felt bad for hitting him and i tried to stop him leaving because I wanted to talk to him. I don’t know why?? I have been having extreme anxiety. I took the morning after pill and I have huge bruise on my leg and on my arm. I don’t know what to think or feel. Did I give him the wrong signs? I shouldn’t have hit him.

  • Thank you so much for this post. I have felt so alone, and reading this is the only thing that has helped me. Thank you

  • You are not alone, if only judged by the other replies. And now that you have openly stated your feelings, you need not be any more public about this. You can move on and reasonably hope that you will find a loving, caring partner with whom you can share your life – with no recriminations nor concern for the past. It is done and over, and you need only hold to your own principles in any future relationship(s). Be kind to yourself, and please be open to all kinds if mutually rewarding relationships with other good, honourable people.

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