For some people, the Christmas season means good cheer, spending time with family, cuddling up with a loved one and decking the halls with lots of jolly. But for a lot of us, Christmas means something entirely different: horrible Christmas movies. Lots of them. Pick your poison: Lifetime channel movies featuring a plucky female lead, Hallmark movies involving a sick kid (and usually an angel), or a feel-good ABC Family movie (which just won’t be as heartwarming when they become “Freeform” next year. Who made that decision?)
Maybe it’s the horrible production quality, or predictable plot points, but bad Christmas movies are a staple of the holiday season. They provide the perfect backdrop for wrapping presents, making cookies, or just sitting on your laptop drinking wine and pretending to Internet shop for your family.
We prefer to think of the rehashed plot points as a blessing, rather than a burden. Why? Because they have given rise to this wonderfully inclusive bad Christmas movie drinking game.
Take A Shot:
When the dead mother gets mentioned.
If the heroine has a quirky job (pet photographer, antique collector, watch restorer, etc.).
If the screen shot of any phone or computer is vastly different (*cough* fake) than any actual phone or computer we’ve ever seen.
Every time a C-list celebrity or grown-up child star walks in to a scene. Bonus points if it’s Candace Cameron Bure.
One of the characters is named Joy, Holly, or Noel.
Every time someone Fake-Googles something (and the search engine is something called “U-Search” or Bing).
If one of the love interests is a single dad/mom with a plucky young kid.
Someone is losing their farm and it’s up to the adult child to come back home to save it, despite knowing nothing about farming.
Every time someone comes up with an elaborate scheme to convince their family that they’re in a relationship during the holidays.
Every time the zany, free-spirited younger sister convinces her older, serious sibling to just let loose. Double shot if the older sister also accomplishes a dream/passion because she finally learned to believe in herself.
Any time the mom has to keep the stodgy old dad from saying inappropriate things.
Any time there’s a kooky grandmother who says crazy shit everyone excuses because she’s old.
Any time they make a British actor use an American accent and vice versa.
You’re cringing so hard you have to literally avert your eyes.
Take Two Shots If:
The cast/ love interests inexplicably break out into a holiday song, and are awesome.
The love interest’s behavior could genuinely be seen as stalkerish.
It actually takes place on a Christmas farm.
Someone discovers the true meaning of Christmas by meeting a homeless person.
Involves royalty from made up yet inexplicably relevant European country.
The plot revolves around layoffs at the holidays.
The main character is in love with someone who is currently dating someone who is pure evil.
A woman is prioritizing her career over Christmas.
No one in this movie can seem to pull their lives together.
The absolutely stunning female lead is perpetually in formal wear that makes them look like the ugliest version of themselves.
The only child is buckling under the crushing weight of parental disapproval in the corporate world.
The house the characters live in/interact in would be CLEARLY unaffordable in the real world and is a completely inaccurate representation of what life actually is.
One of the characters is revealed to be Santa at the last minute with absolutely no build up.
A Scrooge-like character transitions into loving and appreciating the true meaning of Christmas at the end.
A little person has been cast to play an elf.
A corporation decides Christmas means more than profits.
The career woman meets some quirky guy, falls in love and forgets all about her ambition.
The whole shebang ends with a proposal after the two have known each other for a long weekend.
You wish you were watching Love, Actually instead.
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As a bad Christmas movie buff, I would just like to let you know that this is HYSTERICAL, and that if someone were to make a movie with every single item on the list, I would watch the heck out of it. Annually.