I Lived As A Swamp Witch For A Week And Now A Family Of Snakes Live In My Hair

I’ve always been drawn to the strange and unusual, and I’ve always felt that there’s a whole life out there that I’m not living. Since I’ve hit my quarter-life crisis I’m big on being as authentically me as I can be. The problem is, I’m not always sure who “me” is. Which is why I’m trying to live as a swamp witch for a week.

I started this project kind of nervous. I mean, I’ve only known a few swamp witches, and while they seemed nice, it also seemed like there was a lot of work that went into that lifestyle. I had always thought that it might not be for me. I mean, it’s hard enough to find time for yourself when you’re working a full time job, so where will I find time to trap insect spirits and summon water demons? But still, I’m never one to turn down a challenge, (and I look very good in olive green and black) so I did some Googling, bought some crystals, and got down to it.


First day of living life as a swamp witch, and it was a doozy. I felt like things just kept going wrong all day. My turtle skull got crushed when I dropped it in Starbucks, and the beetle powder I had prepared to put in my coffee (which was supposed to open my spirit to premonitions and animals spirits) tasted nasty. When I got home I was hot and annoyed, so I decided to kick off my shoes, wade into the local creek and call down a thunderstorm on my neighborhood. It worked pretty well, except for the fact that a local graveyard flooded and some of the graves overflowed. So I felt a bit bad about that.


I found a tutorial on Pinterest for making a mini swamp terrarium to keep my curses in, but I didn’t have the soul of a deceased ancestor on hand to properly seal it. But the good news is that I think it will make a really cute home for my new frog familiar, Mephistopheles, so I’m going to take it to work with me!


I lost my temper with a mansplainer after work today and cursed him with a bit of Spanish Moss that I’ve been hiding in my hair. I was pumped at first, but felt a little bad when I watched his body snap backward and his spine crumple in on itself. I guess there’s some responsibility that comes with being a swamp witch that I’m still getting used to. Also, I’m really feeling Fleetwood Mac lately.



When I started this project, I bought a ton of plants from the local market to fill my apartment with those good green vibes that I was going to need. Well, today there was an accident while watering my plants, and now my apartment is flooded. The plants have also started growing at an alarming rate, and there’s a tree blossoming in my kitchen. I thought about calling my superintendant, but I’m kind of liking the vibe. Since it’s so humid and wet in here now, I’m thinking of trying a recipe for growing a fungi golem.


Today was a wreck, and I’m very glad that it’s the weekend. It turns out I probably should have rustled up grandma’s ghost, because Mephistopheles’ spirit was too much to contain and he busted out of the terrarium. My coworkers were pretty annoyed about it, and started making passive aggressive comments about the snake skin pentagram wreath I’ve had in my cubicle. Luckily I had my mice bones with me though, so I was able to divine where Mephistopheles had gotten to.


I woke up absolutely exhausted from the ritual I did last night to call down a protective alligator spirit, and I still have white clay all over my body from the ritual, since I was too tired to wash it off. Unfortunately, the fungi golem I’ve been growing in my bathroom hogged all the hot water, so I had to go to brunch with runes on my forehead. It wasn’t cute.


I stopped washing my hair for added authenticity, and it has gotten frightful. I’ve been taking shifts at night standing on the edge of the bog with a lantern in order to lure travelers into the fog, and it has caused my hair to be full of brambles. They’re stuck pretty tightly in there, and the swamp clay has started to matt my hair into dreads. Also there may be a family of lightning bugs living in it. 

I’m feeling really good about this experiment, and while I don’t think that I’m cut out to be a full time swamp witch (sorry, I just really hate snakes), there are some serious beauty and lifestyle changes that I plan to adopt into my every day regime. I may no longer be a swamp witch, but it will always be in my heart. Also I’m keeping Mephistopheles.

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