Literally, The Worst Ex Girlfriend Ever


Maybe you’ve been her. You’ve probably, at the least, thought about being her at some point. In some awful cases, your boyfriend has one: Literally, the worst ex girlfriend ever.

Breakups suck. There’s no way skirting around the issue; but being the worst ex girlfriend ever is the worst idea.

Here are a few things you shouldn’t do.


Don’t call or text him at night.

Maybe your bed feels empty. Maybe you’ve had one too many drinks. Maybe you just watched that absurd chick flick that makes you miss him even though he is nothing like Ryan Gosling’s beautiful character.

Girl, it’s called self-control. Use it. Love it. All of those things you want to text him? Send it to someone who won’t judge you like you should be judged, like your best friend. Too revealing even for her? Put that shit in iPhone notes and move on. Then delete it.

I know that photo of that fat, cuddly animal seems harmless, but do you really need to text that to him at 12:30 in the morning? The answer is no, a thousand times no.

I miss you texts? Send those to your mother.


Don’t overstay your welcome.

So maybe you guys have been broken up for 6, 9, or even 12 months. Maybe you are trying to be “friends” again. Maybe it’s his birthday and he felt like he should invite you, because after all, he’s throwing a party and there are over 50 people planning to attend. For whatever reason, you feel compelled to go. Maybe you even bring a date. But here’s the thing, honey, being one of the last people there is not only pathetic, but well, it’s just mostly pathetic. Come by, say hello, stay for a drink, chat with some friends, and then leave way before the party dies.


Don’t take new photos with him or post old ones.

It’s just f*cking weird. That #tbt photo of you two on Instagram? You’re being awkward. Taking new photos with him and posting on Facebook? Stop it. Whatever the occasion that you somehow have justified in your mind the necessity for taking the photo in the first place, don’t post it to social media. All of your friends are talking behind your back, calling you out for being a weirdo.


Don’t come up with silly reasons to see him.

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a couple toasting their glasses with white wine

“Hey, you have that one sweatshirt of mine that I left at your place a year ago, and WINTER IS COMING, and I know it’s Texas, but what if it actually got cold, and…”

It’s a sweatshirt. Move on. Your old toothbrush? Don’t be disgusting.


Don’t tell him how you “just really don’t approve of his new girlfriend”.

Your opinion of his new girlfriend probably doesn’t matter, and you probably don’t even know her. PS: Stalking her Twitter doesn’t count. You shouldn’t care about who he is dating because you have your own relationships to worry about. Plus, you’re probably just being a jealous bitch.


Be nice to his new girlfriend.

Okay, so you and your ex are friends again, or pretending to be friends, or somewhere in between. For whatever reason, whether it is because of overlapping friend groups or simply enjoying the same places, you run into him and his new girl. Be pleasant. Be nice. She’s most likely not so bad, and now you’re looking like a crazy person (which might make you worse than her). If you want to maintain some kind of friendship with him, make an effort to act like a decent human being: acknowledge her, say hello. If you can’t get behind the new girlfriend he really likes, and has been dating for over 6 months now – well then maybe you’re not ready to be his friend after all.

I’m not saying you should be the coolest ex girlfriend ever, but don’t be a psychopath. What are some other “absolutely do NOT do that” tips?

View Comment (1)
  • Don’t go to your old favorite places and justify it by saying “my friends and I like to go there, too”.

    It doesn’t matter. Don’t go there. You KNOW you’ll see him, and you KNOW that deep down, that’s really why you’re there.

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